Finally, a break from the heat. Matter of fact, it's chilly enough that I've been wondering just how far away Fall is? Yikes!

(16th) I spent all this past weekend crying.

I awoke very early on Saturday, knowing that something was wrong. Elektra was huffing quite loudly and behaving oddly. I thought perhaps she had had a stroke (similar to my old family dog, Belle, back when I was still in high school). I debated calling the vet all day until they had closed; but Elektra seemed to be improving, until about midnight that night, when she had another episode. As I held her in my arms, I was certain she was gasping for her last breath. However, after several hours, she got up and seemed somewhat better.

I watched her all weekend, trying to decide what to do. (I am getting very tired of making these "life-and-death" decisions; but without Randy, I'm the only human left in this relationship to make decisions. I've heard about all those steps of grief that one goes through, and I must admit that the only time I feel "anger" associated with Randy's death, is when I have to make decisions like this all alone.) I spoke with all my friends and family, vacillating on what to do. But when all is said and done, I must acknowledge that Elektra's breathing is much more labored than it has ever been (she's had problems since the cancer surgery, three years ago), her eyesight and hearing are going, and she is more lethargic and many times just not quite "with it" anymore. I broke down and finally called the vet to make arrangements to have her put to sleep. It's much more humane to help her now than to wait for another attack, like this weekend, when she would surely suffer at the end.

Boy, I didn't realize just how much the lost of my first "baby" would mean; but it sure hurts. Ever time I lose a dog, it's as bad as losing Randy all over again. When Randy passed away, all I was left with was a box of his personal belongings, the dogs (our "kids"), and my memories of our love. For several years, I have fought against my depression and have not given up, by caring for the family that he left with me. Each time I lose one of the dogs, the only silver lining that I can find is that they are with Randy. But I must say that I am getting a little upset that that so many of the kids are with Randy now.

I spent most of this week being pretty darn sick. I think I may have overdone my activities during the first part of summer and the depression of losing Elektra sure hasn't helped me feel any better. It really sucks being sick like this. My mind is still good and a lot of days I feel okay; but then I get hit with a bout of being sick and have to remember that I do have a terminal disease and will have complications from it.