Yikes! Today I saw snowflakes for this first time this season! They claimed to have had flurries a few mornings ago; but that ended so quickly that I never even saw it. Looking back through this site, I see that our first sticking snow almost always arrives in November.

Health Problems

At the end of October, I promised to tell you about my health. Well, it isn't good. I got some blood results back (tcells:22 / viral-load:387,000 - previous numbers: tcells:92, VL:28,000 - a very serious change) which are the worst that I've ever had. I've never had a doctor give me a time limit before, but he told that unless we got me back on some sort of medicine that worked, that I could very possibly be dead with 6-8 months.

Needless to say, I'm pretty stressed out about this situation. But since I don't want to and can't die right now (I have my "kidz" to take care of yet), I've been taking steps to stay alive and get well. I'm back on at least half of my meds, while I wait for the delivery of a different med to which the doctor is switching me. I've had appointments with various agencies to get back financing for my meds. I really have been trying to get some rest too, but between trying to go into work a couple days a week and being really sick the other days, rest has been hard to obtain.

I started this website from the 1998 Holiday page and continued it because I had had enough weird things happen in my life to have plenty of stories to fill a website. Here's another one to add:

Work Problems

When it rains, it pours. As I've been struggling to push through all the sickness with starting up my medications (and the sickness from being off the meds so long), several of the computers at work have decided to add to my problems. My schedule has become to be sick two days, feel ok enough to work a day, to be sick for the next two days.

In the middle of my health crisis, an odd situation has arisen at work. I'm really not certain, here at the middle of the month, what I'm going to do; but I do have some time to think about it.

Within the last couple of months, my boss has several times passed cryptic notes to me, telling me to stop working on the our monthly online newsletter, The Waikem Wheel. Although I made myself as available as possible to the boss, he couldn't seem to find the time to discuss his plans with me. Since I talked him into letting me do this newsletter (to keep my job when I was sick last and started back on medications), I'm a little leery of exactly how much longer I might still have a job if I don't have a newsletter to work on each month. Now I have found out what my boss' plan is, and it's a problem.

Our dealership is starting up a points-program (get service at our dealership to gain points to get discounts at participating hotels, etc.). In the package we bought, it turns out there are templates in the plan to be used in creating newsletters. Even though I received nearly no help, this was MY idea for the company over a year and a half ago. Because the dealership has this program, my newsletter is going to be killed off and replaced with this other newsletter. The icing on the cake is that this program is through my boss' girlfriend - the same one who lied and blew me off after asking me to design her company website. (July, Week Three). Although it's our new newsletter, I really have no desire to work at all on a site connected with this lady or this program. I wouldn't mind putting articles about the program into MY newsletter; but I won't have my idea co-opted and then happily work on someone else's version of my product.

Figuring out a Solution

Do I talk to my boss about my reservations? (Even though he must have known that I wouldn't like this, and that's why he has avoided discussing this.) Do I quit because of my moral indignation? (I've left every one of my previous jobs on my own and many times for my high "moral" reasons - I left Subway when the management could give days off for people to watch football; but not give me a few hours while I had a dog (LBB) going through a hard delivery.) Do I just start working on this new newsletter, keeping my complaints inside? (And growing to hate every minute of a job that I have loved doing.)

The questions are even harder to find a solution to when you factor my health into this situation. Should I take a leave of absence? Should I quit working for a while? (This is the sickest I have ever been - my counts weren't even this bad either time I was hospitalized with pneumonia.) You also have to take into account the worse case scenario. If the meds don't help, do I really want to be working in the situation as I get sicker? Much less the fact, that I would eventually have to quit anyway as I got closer to dying? You know, financial and medical help might be easier to get too, if I was unemployed.

This has all happened to me before. I've had to quit jobs and go out on my own. Once, Randy and I started our pet store. Another time, I started ReigningPages. Even getting the job with Waikem's was a life-changing, life-defining moment. The meds I was on, after the bouts of pneumonia, made me sick and doped-up all the time. For nearly two years, I was a hermit inside my home and grew more depressed and ill. This job at Waikem's brought me back out into the world and has given me, not only the money to supply my cable connection, but a reason to get up each morning and have a life. Do I take all that's happening as a sign to strike out on my own again? Hey! I still own ReigningPages and could go get more web clients. I could even really work on selling our gel candles online. There are several things I could do, while resting at home, to still make a little money, so I don't live in abject poverty. Or, if I quit my job, will that start an unstoppable downward spiral into sickness and depression if something else doesn't work out?

Damn! This part was supposed to be about solutions and there I am with more questions. Pardon my French, but this is heavy shit, isn't it? Although I wish that you (my family, my friend, my readers) could give me the solution, I don't think there's one to give.

The Silver Lining

Hopefully, I haven't depressed you so far, that you can't see the silver linings to all this.

The first and most important silver lining is nearly too obvious to see - I am still alive! Yes, that might sound trite; but that is the most important thing. Next month is the 10 year anniversary of my HIV diagnosis. All the people that I knew back then, that were dealing with this disease, are all dead - and have been for some time; but I am not. That's got to count for something.

As I was getting financial and medical help last week, I noticed a discrepancy in the Social Security printout. It claimed that my disability check was $516 a month, while I have only been receiving $505 a month. Lo and behold, I got a letter today that says that my checks had been wrong and the next month I would be receiving a check to compensate for the difference. WooHoo! Just as I am deciding whether to leave my job, with a few bills starting to stack up, I'll be getting nearly $150 extra dollars. Now that's a silver lining!

One last piece of the silver lining is that I (and my family) are in the middle of getting me a plane ticket for a trip back to NC for Christmas! WooHoo! Right now, it's looking like the trip will be between Dec. 19 to Christmas Eve. As long as the snow holds off, and we don't have any more terrorism or delays, I just might pass Santa on that flight back to Ohio!! For now, I'm going to go take some more meds, eat something, and get some rest. I've got to be well enough to enjoy the trip, without looking too sick and scaring my mom anymore than she already is.

Little by little, I'm feeling a little bit better this weekend. WooHoo! Of course, there have been a bunch of days that I was still really sick, I struggle every morning to try to feel good enough to go into work for a while. Just yesterday, I got papers approving me for the Ohio HIV Drug Program. (Which is good since I don't think my job is going to be paying me the $4000 a month I'd need to pay for the meds, much less to live on. )

That's my poor Aries underneath Jim's Halloween wolf mask. I working on a new concept now because of this picture. My dogs have gotten used to Ken L Ration's Bacon-n-cheese flavored dog food. Now, I'm unable to find it anywhere in my area. I don't know if they've just quit making that brand or if it's just unavailable here. My idea is for a series of shots representing my doggies "happy" because they have their brand of food versus my doggies "very unhappy" without their kibbles.

Finally! I'm not the only one whose pets have a website. An old friend (from just down the street where I grew up), Jackie Pickett, has been having a serious time with his cat Tabitha. After the problems I had with my cockers, I sure can understand how hard things are for Jackie and Tabitha right now. Thankfully, the latest update says Jackie's kitty is doing pretty good. For the latest, check out Tabitha in her tiara! Best wishes to Tabitha and Jackie!

I didn't want to just let the Waikem Wheel fade out, so I have designed one last edition. Here's your special preview of the last Waikem Wheel
(Nope. I still haven't made a decision on whether I'll stay working at Waikem's or not. I figure that as soon as the boss tells me to work on the new newsletter and I say "no", that will be D-Day for me to make the decision. With any luck, I should keep employed until our Thanksgiving luncheon, and might even make it to the Christmas Party on Dec. 14th.)

Happy Thanksgiving!

	Every Fall, the Waikem Auto Group hosts a Thanksgiving luncheon for it's employees, where, in a fun turn-around, the managers serve the food to the associates. The food was even better than previous years, and everyone had an enjoyable time together at the tables set up in the Chrysler showroom.
Of course, my Thanksgiving tradition has been to spend the holiday at the Hancock's (Cliff and DO). There was a house-full this year (which isn't hard with their little house) with quite a few of Cliff's relatives in town for the holiday. After having nearly lost Cliff this year (Feb '02), I believe that they were pretty thankful to be able to spend more time with Cliff.
In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I should mention some of things that I've been thankful for, this past year: my Kidz: Gabrielle, Joxer, Aries, Zeus and Sheagra Everyday they make me laugh! They've all brought such joy to my life and given me the best reason to keep moving forward. my Friends: Jim, DO, Gayle, Ruth (to name a few LOL) Friends - everybody needs them and I have some of the best. Because of my friends, I've realized this year that, even though Randy is gone, I'm NOT alone. my Family: I've been so lucky to have gotten home several times in the last two years to see my family. Chatting online with the webcams has made them all NOT so far away. my Health: Well, this was a mixed blessing, I guess. Although I've had a couple of really bad times this past year, I'm still here and still kicking - and that counts for a lot!!!
	It's nearly officially Winter, and we had a small blast of it. As you can see by mousing-over this picture, the plants look a lot, I mean, a WHOLE lot, better in the summertime. The mint, morning glories, and cosmos in the backyard are nothing but dead sticks now.
In the front yard, the gladiolas look nearly as bad as the poor irises that were ripped up last month. Even the hollyhocks have been frozen to death. The only thing looking any good is the pampas grass.
	Of course, the fountain isn't running; but it does look pretty at night after a snow.