| Week One: |
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As July ends every year, the city of
Canton holds a week-long celebration for the Football Hall of Fame.
It's probably the only event that keeps this city afloat after
losing nearly all the manufacturing in the last two decades (even
the Hoover company, which was founded up in North Canton, has moved
away). Although I don't care about football and I'm too poor to go
to any of the events (Ribs Burn-Off, concerts, Food Festival,
induction ceremonies, etc), there is one free event that I have
attended all these years - the fireworks held downtown the night
before the exhibition game. For probably the last 10 years, Joyce
and I (along with Jim, Linda, Kerri, and Kayle) have gone to watch
the fireworks at an old KFC, just a few blocks after from the Civic
Center (where the fireworks are shot off from the roof).
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While waiting for the fireworks to
begin, and since so many of us have cameras now, we played "Flash
War" - that's where you unexpected "try" to take a picture of
someone, but you main objective is to make the others see spots
after surprising them with the flash from the camera. |
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I did take a few snaps of the
fireworks, which I always enjoy; but not as many this year. For one
reason, I've already gotten quite a few good pictures over the
years; and how many pictures of fireworks do you really need?
Another reason is the same one I've been dealing with for a while
and will continue to affect me for a while - it's hard to care too
much about anything right now without Jim.
So this year, I just took a few pictures, then I sat and just
enjoyed the spectacle . . . and thought about how different my life
is now from this time last year. |
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| I picked up a small
container of chlorine tablets at the end of last month to try to
keep the pool clear just a little bit longer. Summer won't last much
longer here in Ohio as August is already turning cooler very early
in the month. |
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| I know I planted my flower
seeds a couple weeks late this year; but I really think things are
growing slower this year. For example, check out these pictures of
the sunflowers in the back yard. The picture on the right is one I
showed you last month. On July 29th (Jim's 51st birthday), the
sunflowers were already taller than him and the flowers were about
to open up. This year, in the picture on the left, you can see that
it will still take quite a few more weeks for the sunflowers to grow
close to that size. |
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| The cosmos that I planted
with the sunflowers seem to be a little late too. The ones out front
by the driveway have grown well and have been blooming. The first
blooms just appeared on these that I have out in the back yard. |
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| That pinkish, puffy flowering plant I
planted behind the pool is growing and growing. If I was going to
stay here, I would be transplanting it, to grow all around the
perimeter of the pool. |
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I can't believe how much the brush pile
grew since just last summer. Most of what Jim and I had thrown up
onto the pile had disintegrated over the years. With the tree that
Jim and Carolynn cut down, the limbs we cut from the neighbor's
tree, and the bamboo I hacked down, the pile is probably bigger now
than it's ever been! |
Though there aren't as many berries as
usual, the blackberries are beginning to turn, and it's time to
start picking some. Boy are these good when Joyce will use them to
make a cobbler later on during the dead of Winter. It'll be like a touch
of Summer during the miserable Ohio cold and snow.
MouseOver for a CloseUp |
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I closed out this week my finally
tackling a project that I've been putting off for too long. I finally got in touch with a local
antiques dealer about some of the things Jim left behind. These two
nice ladies (sisters actually) are running a shop, started by their
mom years ago), stopped by the house
and were very excited to take quite a few things - actually they
took quite a LOT of stuff.
They took most of the glassware (it came from a local downtown
hotel, where Jim's parents worked for a while. that hotel is in the
process of being remodeled and may want these items from their
past), most of the cut-glass dishware and vases, many of the pieces
of artwork (statues, decorative bowls, etc) along with several
pieces of furniture. They even took part of Jim's extensive 1970's
record collection and some odds-n-ends from Jim's Star Trek
collection. The ladies are hoping to sell most of the items through
their shop, on consignment. The rest of the stuff is going to be put
up for auction through their ebay store. I'm really glad to have so
much of this stuff out of my house - I can see the top of the dining
room table again!
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Week Two: |
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Contacting the ladies at
the antique store has had an unintended consequence. I know that the
ladies have taken stuff that I didn't want or need; but it's all
part of Jim's stuff and now it's gone.
After they left, I found myself much sadder than I thought I would
be, and in a quite a depressed frame of mind.
I thought I'd "do something" to take my mind off the situation, so I
continued sorting through other things in the house. Just as I did
only a year and a half ago, I'm starting to pack up things about the
house. (You know, you can never start packing too early.
)
However, this time my packing is being done under uncertain
circumstances, filled with difficult decisions. With nothing to
guide me, I'm just not certain what steps to take towards whatever
new future awaits me.
One possible future is that I will be the one supplying the
furnishings at a new home. I do have two housefuls now, so I can
surely provide for myself and the dogz or for several roommates, if
need be (and if they can help on the $$$ side of things.
)
In that case, I need to keep most of the things in the house. (more
about a possible roommate situation in just a bit
)
However, at the other extreme is another equally possible future
which has me leaving behind nearly everything I own, reducing all
the years I've lived away from home down to just me, the dogs, and
what can be stored in two rooms (thanks for this offer and luv you
bunches Mom-in-Law!
).
Unfortunately this option is time-limited, so it's only a temporary
solution at best. |
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Unfortunately, the packing
that I hoped would take my mind off things has only worsened things.
Since one future option has me leaving behind so many things, I'm
now having to re-evaluate not only my own belonging; but even Jim's
belongings that I did keep. Do I really have room to keep mementoes
from his grandparents? Or his parents? How much of what little I did
keep of Jim's things can I now pack and take with me? Every thing I
look at or touch has to be evaluated on just how much I may need it.
Every thing that I don't think I'll be able to keep is a part of MY
life gone. Every thing of Jim's that ends up in a discard pile is
just another piece of him gone from my life.
All of this only reminds me how limited my time is for living in
this house. Although moving from my old house to Jim's house was a
happy occasion, I was still sad to have left behind, not only the
place that had sheltered me for 15 years; but the last home that I
had shared with Randy. Leaving behind, so soon, the last home I
shared with Jim is something I'm not looking forward to at all, even
if the reality is that this is something that must be done.
All this upheaval in my life has pushed me deeper into depression
and that depression is really taking it's toll on me. Even my dogs
seem to be in a mood lately, sensing my distress. The insomnia is
maddening and I'm so tired and exhausted; yet I push myself
endlessly. Taking my meds and meals has become haphazard at best
(honestly though, I must admit that taking my meds has been
haphazard for the last six months - since Jim entered the hospital).
My head aches terribly, my heart is overwhelmed with sadness, and my
body feels like I added 20 yrs. to my age. My friends are doing
their best to help, trying to encourage me along and helping me to
think of other things for a while; but inside my head, worrisome and
sad thoughts continue racing around at 100 mph. I haven't been able
to go a day this week without frequently falling into heaving sobs
that drop me to my knees. |
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Week Three: |
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To truly let you feel the
impact of my life right now, I should probably leave you with that
distressing image. However, even in this deep funk, I have to admit
that I am still clinging to the hope of better days to come.
After cleaning up Jim's CD collection, I sold many of those discs
off and garnered about $65. I've also gone through the rest of his
albums and books and hope to find some place to get rid of those
things. With some luck, the "antique ladies" will be able to garner
me some more funds. (Everyone happily chats about thousands.
However, perhaps it's just my funk, but I think I'll be happy and
call myself lucky to just get a few hundred dollars from whatever
they sell.)
Figuring out what to do about my future living arrangements is still
the biggest stress-maker in my life. Although a ray of light may
finally be shining through, I still can't shake the feeling that
even this new possibility will probably fall through.
My current roommate has still been unable to find a job. Sigh.
Though he's not really much of a burden, he is slowly, but surely,
becoming a burden. This subject has been discussed by us recently,
though I haven't quite made up my mind about what to do. However,
since I cannot count on any "contributions" to our living expenses
from this roommate, I have gone in search of another roommate. And
perhaps found one!
Once again, a strange occurrence of deja-vu seems to be happening. I
may end up finding a new place to live with the same roommate I had
seven years ago! We got along okay back then (and his bi-polar
condition was un-medicated at that time) - until he lost his job and
wasn't concerned about getting one even after a month and a half had
gone by. Now he's medicated, receives a monthly disability check on
the same day I get mine, goes to the same bank that I do, and just
received his back disability settlement and so has the funds to help
move and put down a security deposit. There's even the chance the
current roomie could finally find a job and be our third roommate.
To be honest though, this possible roommate(s) situation is a
long-shot to make actually happen; but I've got to try to find some
solution for my upcoming homelessness. |
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| Speaking of the eerie deja-vu-y
thing that's been going on in my life this year, I believe I have
found the cause of all the coincidences and odd-timing. Although I
don't feel like I'm having a mid-life crisis (if Jim hadn't passed
away, I sure wouldn't be feeling like I do
),
I realized that I've reach a mid-life point - for real! I'm 46,
divided in half is 23. Looking at this timeline then (2008 - 23 = 1985) not only is the year
1985 remarkable for my anniversary with Randy (Jan 15); but that
same year, at 23 yrs. old, I left behind my family and Southern
home. This November will mark 23 years that I lived in NC, and 23
years that I have lived in OH. |
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| Though it started a couple
weeks early this year (before I could even start to get the pool
ready), Summer seems to be thinking about leaving early this year.
The daytime temps have been lower (only in the upper 70s) and
it's been very overcast for most of the days during this week. So
instead of spending most of August IN the pool, I've been spending
the time sitting BY the pool and reading. |
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Unfortunately, the week or two of
cooler, wetter weather didn't do the pool any favors - especially
since I finally ran out of chlorine tablets for the filter. Even
though I've been out every day, skimming the leaves out (and there
have been a lot of leaves blown into the pool with the few storms
that have gone through), a greenish-tinge has crept into the water.
The nighttime
temperature dropping into the 50s at night may make for nice
sleeping weather; but those temps let a lot of the heat in the water
bleed away overnight. |
| Of course, this being Ohio means that
the weather changes constantly. Just a few days after the low
temperatures, the temps are climbing back up. It may even be near 90
by this weekend!.
Joyce got me one more small container of chlorine tabs since it
looks like we might have this one last blast of Summer. Just two
days after using the chemical, and doing some scrubbing and
vacuuming, the water is back to crystal clear.
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When this last short blast of heat for the Summer is over after the
weekend, I do plan to officially close up the pool. The nights have
been getting too cool and the chemicals truly are almost gone. It's
time to say goodbye to the last Summer spent at Jim's pool. |
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Since I didn't leave you
with the image of me wandering around Jim's house packing up my
belongings, so depressed that racking sobs drive me to my knees,
I'll leave you with a scarier image, laced with just a bit of that
ol' deja-vu. I freely own up to the fact that each of these
incidents was caused by my klutziness; but that doesn't make the
impact on me (or my stress-level) any less.
Just a few months after Randy passed away, I was lying in bed one
night, depressed, crying, and puffing away on cigarettes. I dozed
off and awoke to my bedroom filled with smoke! Falling asleep (more
likely passing out from exhaustion and grief), I had dropped my
cigarette; which had in turn caught the comforter on fire. The flame
was actually contained with the comforter itself, so no damage
happened to the house or the waterbed. I quickly opened the windows
and rushed myself and the dogs out of the smoke and downstairs to
clean air. Having experienced a house fire with Randy in a previous
home, this incident only added to the deep neuroses that I already
have. (making me be the crazy guy I am today
 )
Now, only a few months after Jim has passed away (it's been
just over 110 days now
),
smoke was filling up a room of my house! (I haven't been successful
at all in quitting on this most recent attempt; but cigarettes were
not the cause this time.) Since the gas was shut off a month ago,
I've been heating large pans of water on the stove to use to bathe
every day. While I got dressed one morning, my roommate headed out
on his job search. Before I left the house myself, I noticed one of
the burners on the stove, that I had been using, was still on. I
turned it off, did my normal "second check of everything" before
leaving the house, and headed on my way to help my OhioMom set up
her new computer. By the time I reached her house, my roommate, who
had returned home early, was calling. The stove burner had
actually NOT been turned off! Heating up, for just those 15 minutes or
so that I was gone, had caused smoke to fill most of the downstairs!
Thankfully, there was no fire and no damage; just a gut-wrenching
scare that I almost burned down what little roof I have over my
head, along with the dogz! |
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Darth, the Hyundai Elentra that Jim got
back in Mar '04, is no longer with us.
At 11pm last night (Thurs 8/21), I heard a noise outside and saw the
car was already hooked up to a tow truck. I explained about Jim's
passing, turned over the key, and watched another part of Jim's life
fade away into the night.
I knew this was coming; but, boy, is everything (including looking
for a new house) going to be a lot tougher to get accomplished
without any wheels.
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| (It probably won't be much
longer until I lose my internet connection and phone once again.
Since the roommate hasn't been working, he doesn't have any money to
cover this cable/phone account that he just got turned on for us a
few months ago. We all know that I sure can't afford it!
) |
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So pick the image of me
that you'd like to have for August. Either packing boxes while sobbing, or racked
with worry about finding a home before Winter sets
in (no gas means no heat in this house), or freaking out from nearly
burning down the house (though a fire would solve the packing issue
and finding housing that will allow the dogz). I tell you what LOL,
if my hair hadn't already starting turning gray back at 18, it sure
would be white now from all the stress.
Although I guess it couldn't get much whiter than it is right now -
between the chlorine in the pool and the excessive sun exposure the
last few months. That's
one good thing I got going for me right now at least.
I've got a killer tan, so I look marvh-e-lous.
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Week Four: |
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| Wonder why it's always the little
things that are the most bothersome? Although I was saddened to see
Jim's car towed away, I knew that was coming and handled the
situation stoically. However, the following night, while playing
card at Joyce's house, it was just a little thing, related to the
car, that finally set off the tears. Between games of Euchre, we
took a break so Joyce could spend some time with her son Richard
(who has been away a lot on his new truck driving job) and Angie and
Ritchie. Joyce walked past my end of the table at one point, and
dropped something into my hands, without a word but with an
understanding look. It took me a minute to realize what she had
given me. It was Jim's keys.
Back when Jim had been in the hospital, I had left his keys with
Joyce (our OhioMom) just in case. (LOL
you know, just in case, I locked myself out of the house or car.
I've been known to have done it before and was worried that I'd do
it again back then under all that stress) I don't think that I've
EVER cried about car and house keys before; but I did this once.
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Last night (Sat 23rd) I
had the WORST nightmare that I've ever had!
Yes, it was worse than any of those Sustiva-induced nightmares of
zombies that I used to have years ago (Night-after-night, I would
wake up screaming from that nightmare while I was on that med.
That's the one I quit after it left me so disorientated that I fell
down the staircase at my old house.)
The dream started oddly (don't they all?
)
with me visiting a hospital for a seminar. About what, I don't know;
but I, along with a nice lady, ended up riding in an elevator that
lost power, trying to reach the right floor for the seminar. Though
I didn't know where the hospital part of my dream was going, nothing
was scary about my dream so far. Without warning (or maybe I just
slept deeper and didn't dream for a while), I was in my house
sitting on the couch, dressed in the shorts I was wearing last
night. As I sat there on the couch alone, watching TV, someone
entered the house - it was Jim!
Coming in, he looked at the clock, and apologized for being so late,
saying that work was really busy this evening. In shock, I tried to
speak; but couldn't get any words to come out of my mouth. When he
flopped down on the other couch, I jumped up and ran to him,
embracing him in the biggest bear hug I've ever given to anyone.
Pulling away from his returned embraced, I told him that this
couldn't be real because he died. As shock registered on his face, I
realized that I just couldn't endure the anguish from this dream,
and I woke myself up - crying uncontrollably.
I laid in my bed, sobbing for nearly an hour before I was finally
cried out and felt tired enough to fall asleep again. Thankfully
with no more dreams that I could remember.
Some of you may wonder why I considered this a nightmare, rather
than enjoying a dream moment with Jim. My reasoning goes back quite
a ways in my life. Years ago, Randy and I truly did live in a
haunted house. When Randy passed away, I waited to see if I would
"see" anything that made me think he was still there in "ghost
form". Since we always believed Randy to be the "ghost magnet", I
thought if anyone might "come back", then he would be the one; but
there was never ANY sign of Randy's spirit back in the house. After
that, I developed a strong negative reaction to any images of
deceased people appearing to the loved ones that they had left
behind. (I despise the movie "Ghost" with Demi Moore and
Patrick Swayze, and the Toni Braxton video for "Unbreak My Heart"
for just this reason) |
| PoolDog
and the last day in the pool |
| Since the chemicals for
the pool were nearly gone, along with the Summer heat, I spent one
last weekend enjoying the water. Of course I invited two of my most
important friends to share this last fling with me - DO and Joxie
the PoolDog! |
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| Poor ol' Joxie is about
half-blind now from cataracts; but that doesn't stop him from
jumping in the pool and swimming round and round trying to find the
toys that we throw in the pool for him. Of course, we all take turns
helping him find his toys and get back to the ladder to climb out. |
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| Running out of chlorine
isn't the only problem with the pool. I found a stray piece of
bamboo growing up through the liner!! |
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| Even though he loves his
toys, Joxer's favorite activity is to shred his toys into tiny
little pieces. |
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| Joxer
the PoolDog |
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| A final look at the pool,
as the sun sets |
| My "new
life" starts next month! |
| Since Jim passed away, my
life has been in limbo. Though I should have been starting a "new
life" without him, I have found it very hard to move forward
surrounded by all the memories here in Jim's house. However,
although one of the saddest days of my life will be leaving this
house behind, next weekend (9/5/08) I'll finally be moving out of
here and into a new house, and a new life of being single again. |
That's right! Our house hunt is finally
over!
After several months of looking for a new home (sometimes a 1
bedroom, sometimes a 2, and sometimes a 3 bedroom depending on
whether any of my potential roomies would have a job or be willing
to move), a new house has finally been found. Today (8/29), we put down the
security deposit on this 3 bedroom house, where next week John, Sean
and I (and the boyz, of course) will be moving. The next 23 yrs. of
my life will now be starting off in a new home.
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For the last few weeks,
I've been diligently scouring the newspaper, craigslist, and local
realtor websites to compile lists for our house-hunting expeditions.
Starting with these lists, we've been driving up and down the
streets throughout different sections of town adding houses only
advertised by signs in the front yards. Each afternoon, I've gone
through the lists calling the landlords requesting more information,
and occasionally setting up appointment times to view these houses.
Last week, we came very close to getting a house that we all really
liked; however the landlord decided to rent to a couple that was
desperate to move as soon as possible. Though upset and frustrated
that the deal fell through, we continued looking. As I've mentioned
before, the only unsolvable problem is death. Everything else can
eventually be fixed (or at least made better) with patience and hard
work.
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| Our hard work and patience finally paid
off. When I called about a house (near another one that we recently applied
for) the price was too high for us to afford. However, the realtor,
who is renting this house, had several others that were in our
range. When she told me the address of one of their units, I hoped I
had finally found the right house. This house is located a block
west and a block north of my old house on 14th street! Not only is
it in a section of town that I know well; but it's just a few blocks
from the local grocery store, and just on the other side of the hill
from DO. WooHoo!
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| I'm going to have to get some nice area
rugs to put down on the hardwood floors in the living and dining
rooms |
This is the biggest kitchen I think
I've even had. There's more countertop and cabinets |
The house has a large clean DRY basement (and that was after the
last three days of rain), and a large attic (although not tall
enough to use as another room). Upstairs is a large bathroom
(there's even a balcony off it!!) and 3 carpeted bedrooms. The
driveway is shared with the neighbors; but splits off for separate
parking. There is no garage left on the property anymore; but the
brick floor foundation that is left is going to make a lovely patio.
The backyard itself is tiered into three levels. I can't wait to
landscape this interesting piece of property! But the first thing
that I'll have to do is put up my roll of cheapie fencing for the
doggies.
Winter's coming too, so all I'll really be able to do this Fall is
to clean up and get it ready for Spring planting.
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| Time for me to go get
serious now about packing up the house.
Oh, and I better go out in
the yard and see what plants I can take from here to transplant to
the new house.
Next month I'll be sure to have plenty of pictures of the new house
and yard. There might even be a few more pool pictures from Labor
Day weekend, since the rain has ended and Summery mid-80 degree days
are forecast to close out the month. |
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