leatherman's log   June 2008 Week One |   Week Two |   Week Three |   Week Four

Week One: I want to thank the many of you who have been checking in and wondering how things are going with me. I guess now is as good a time as any (a little over a month after Jim's passing, and almost two weeks after his memorial service) to give you all an update. The irises by the pool are finally in bloom. MouseOver for a CloseUp I cleaned all the dead foliage out of the pampas grass. With Sean's help, I got the remains of the the tree Jim, Carolynn and I cut down last Fall moved over onto the brush pile. Well, not all the way (it's a big piece of tree); but enough that we can mow most of the yard now. I was hoping some sunflowers would grow from the seeds that fell last year; but I haven't seen any sprouts yet. Although I helped Jim open up his pool every year for the last decade, I sure wish I had paid more attention to the details. I have questions; but no Jim to answer them. And it's been one problem after another. First a broken retainer washer and then I found the diaphragm gasket had a big tear in it. Don't worry though, I have the general idea, I'm fairly intelligent (no comments, peanut gallery LOL), and there's a pool store about 2 miles away. So butch Leatherman pulled out his tools, stripped down the filter pump, got everything back in the right holes, and had the pump spurting once again. (leatherman has a dirty mind about everything ROFL) mikie, however, just doesn't remember how many days it's supposed to take to get that icky green water back to crystal clear. I started late this year (I was rather "occupied" during May when we normally open up the pool) and lost two more days with the gasket problem. I hope to have the pool back up and running soon - especially since it's fricking 90 degrees here in Ohio, for heaven's sake. However, as far as getting my own life up and running, that's a much tougher issue than the green pool water. To be honest, every day for the last two weeks, I felt worse (both emotionally and physically) than the day before. (although the last two days kinda held even as I worked on the pool problems and caught several hours of rays lying out on the pool deck. I know I'm supposed to worry about cancers, and there's a warning label ("avoid prolonged sunlight exposure") on my Bactrim; but I've been lying out by Jim's pool for more summers than I can remember. Now after just two days I've already got my speedo tan line coming back nicely; and as a good ol' Southern boy, I always feel MUCH better in the hot sunshine.) Each day, despite the support (and distractions) provided by my friends, I am feeling more depressed as I try to adjust to my new single life (you'd think it'd be easier as this is the second time I've had to transition back to being alone; but I think it's actually more difficult this time). Absolutely everything I do reminds me of Jim. I went to the grocery store one day and only came home with a can of soup because I'm just so used to buying for Jim and I that I had no idea of what -I- wanted. Although, I've been taking my meds, as prescribed for nearly two weeks, I've felt like I've been beat with a sledgehammer (all my muscles and joints hurt so bad, I feel like I should see bruising), and I've been nauseated - enough to have a couple episodes of dry heaves and puking. (WooHoo! I'm beating my average this month. ROFL) Between not knowing what to eat, feeling too "icky" to eat or being too hot to be hungry, I've been "off my feed" lately, so to speak. Just like with the aftermath of an adrenaline rush, I would bet most of my current "sickness problems" are the after-effect of all the stress from the last few months. I originally started writing up this post last week, as so many people were checking in and as I had so much swirling around in my head. Never one for a lack of words (LOL), I had written about so many thoughts that this post would have been just much too long for me to expect anyone to read through (LOL like this version isn't already too long at this length). I had thoughts about how odd it is to be storing the memorabilia from two partners who passed away; how every change I make in the house seems wrong to be making to Jim's house; why I'm sadder this time as each day goes by since Jim has passed away compared to my experience of being sadder watching Randy before he passed away; the issues surrounding my recent stint of drug "semi-compliance" and my previous patterns of going off-meds; and there's still the unfinished business of handling Jim's medical bills and the cremation bill. (Oh, and leatherman was thinking about the one thing people don't think or talk about much after someone's partner dies - the sex. Not only is he having to handle things by himself again; but there were all those previous months when he wasn't getting any because his partner was sick. He doesn't begrudge Jim for not putting out; he just finds it another one of those annoying things that has changed in his life now. One that is going to be much harder to fix. Last time he was only 30 when he became single; this time he's 46.) However, lest you think part of my problems as from having too pessimistic of an attitude, let me set your minds at ease. First, unfortunately, I've been here before and done this. There's a certain amount of stress, grief, and depression from losing a partner, that I'm just going to have to go through - rather I want to or not, as I learned from losing Randy. Right now, I'm allowed to be in "the dumps". But secondly, I've been here before, and survived! Yes, I was a changed person; but it has been 14 yrs since I lost one partner and I'm hoping, planning, and thinking about the next 14 yrs. While sorting through my books and the books that Jim kept upstairs (the attic is a king-sized bedroom with 3 built-in dressers, one double closet, one single closet, two storage areas and three built-in bookcases), a Polaroid photo fell out of a book. With a little help from my OhioSis I was able to identify this picture; unlike so very many I have now of Jim's childhood and relatives. This pix is from about 1987, when Jim worked for a phone-sales job. Back then, Randy and I would have been running the pet store and would have just recently met Jim and his partner. So this is Jim back from I first had a crush on him and started a friendship that lasted over 20 years. MouseOver for a CloseUp By the way, the adventure of opening the pool is actually coming along okay. Racking my brain trying to remember, I do think it takes about 4 days. With the delay from the broken pump, I think I'm probably right on schedule. I also remembered that as soon as the chemicals start working, the more debris I can get out of the pool the better. Although the cover fits fairly well (anchored with water-filled coke bottles) in the Winter, it has a few small holes, and during every winter at least one tie back breaks, leaving a small gap for leaves to get through. Then after taking the cover off in late Spring, pine needles, apple blossoms, wild cherry tree leaves, and maple tree "helicopters" get into the water. (Bugs won't start being a problem in the pool until the end of Summer.) Yes, a pool is a lot of work; but it has it's pay-offs. I get a jump on tanning as I clean it up; I will spend wonderful afternoons with various friends in the pool; it's a great place to host parties; and it's awfully nice to have on these 90-degree days - especially with no AC in the house. However all my hard work seems to be paying off. Now that I've got almost all of that debris out of the pool, the water has been getting clearer and clearer. I'm really thinking in another 24-48, it'll be in swimming condition. Matter of fact, I think it's nearly clean enough that I was IN the water today, running the sweeper across the bottom of the pool.

Week Two: WooHoo! Today myself, DO and Sean were IN the pool swimming and playing! The water is not 100% clear yet; but I'd give it a good 98%. It is in the low 90s, so we'd be fighting the algae starting to grow anyway. I can't believe the water temp is already up to 84 too! Since an above-ground pool will lose heat at night, we usually don't have that high a temp until the middle of next month; but it usually isn't this hot until then either. Look at the change in the pool's condition in just the last three days. It went from looking like pond water to looking like pool water again. DO got us an electric air pump to fill up all the floats. That's good since it was usually Jim that did most of the pumping to get Gilligan's Island (the big blue and white float) back in shape. I didn't blow up the Island yet since it's so big, so I can do one more super-duper scrub and vacuuming without it being in the way. MouseOver for an OhioMom CloseUp Poor, poor pale pasty Sean. And what's with that big baggy swimsuit? I'm sure I have an extra Speedo somewhere around here. No really though, poor Sean. He had to go to StatCare today. A few days ago he must have been bitten on the foot by a spider. Although the swelling hadn't gotten worse, it hadn't gotten better either. Plus part of his foot was numb. Now he's on antibiotics, and has to keep his foot elevated over his heart as much as possible. The poor guy lost a day of work and had to spend it by the pool with his foot in the air. So much has been going on in my life lately, I feel bad that I haven't been able to keep you up-to-date on what's been happening with some of the other special people in my life. Back in Feb, my niece Jenny attended a Cotillion. Isn't she beautiful? And what a smile! (I know I posted a pix of Jenny back in Feb; but she looks so happy in this pix, that I just had to post it.) Little Ella, Tara's daughter, isn't quite so little anymore. She's old enough now to help mommy plant flowers out in the garden last month. Periodically, I'll get a message on my phone. It's always a pleasant surprise to find I've been sent a pix of the kids from Tara. Then just this month, Jenny's brother, my nephew Jonathan, graduated from 8th grade and is moving on up to high school next year. Lisa and Jon are pretty proud of their firstborn. And I really need to update you on Randy's mom, Carolynn. Last month, I told you that she was having back surgery because of some disc problems that were causing her extreme debilitating pain. The surgery definitely helped relieve the pain; however, it left her unable to move her left leg. On the day I held the memorial for Jim at Randy's gravesite, Carolynn was back in surgery, so the doctor could repair some more disc problems and "try" to correct the problem with her leg. Unfortunately, afterwards, she was still unable to use that leg. After spending a few weeks in the hospital, she finally got to go back to her home this week. Carolynn is still having problems walking; but has been using a walker and is able to get around. The doctor is hoping that after the inflammation from the surgery lessens, that Carolynn will recover all of her leg abilities. For the next few weeks, she's going to be staying at her son's (Trent) house, recuperating and waiting to see if she'll regain full use of her leg. Today (6/13), I had an appt. with my doc and I must say that I left his office flabbergasted. Believing "honesty to be the best policy", I've been upfront (even with my doctor) about my compliance to my meds. Or should I say "semi-compliance". Ever since Jim went into the hospital (and that was months ago now), taking my meds hasn't been my top priority. Either I wasn't at home and didn't have any meds with me, or I wasn't eating right (and I gotta have food to keep the norvir down), or I just didn't want to risk any side-effects (the puking!). So when I had blood drawn two weeks ago, I was certain I'd be getting back results with a lower tcell count and a higher viral load (just like the last couple of times). (on my last doctor's visit, I didn't get any counts. He only ran a genotype test on me and then dropped the viramune as it was no longer effective) Never much higher than 250, my tcells have, unfortunately, been dropping over the last few months. Today was no exception. This time they dropped from 225 to 214. I know it's not much of a change; but it's the trend that worries me. Plus it means I'm much closer to that critical 200-mark. However, the results from my viral load were totally unexpected. Instead of rising from the last results of 2545, unbelievably, the viral load dropped back down - clear down to undetectable! It took me 10 yrs to reach undetectable the first time, and now on the 4-yr anniversary (6/15/04) of my first undetectable, I've hit the mark for the 5th time! So my doc didn't have to fuss at me, wrote me a script for Chantix (Jim and I took it this Fall and I stopped smoking for 105 days. I couldn't afford the habit any longer when Jim was alive, so I sure can't afford it now with just my income), and refills for everything else (ddi, norvir, bactrim, reyataz, acyclovir and viread). The doc didn't even fuss about my tan! He was just happy that I was keeping myself busy and active. Matter-of-fact, the doc was so pleased with my counts, and how I've been holding up after losing Jim, that instead of having to see him again in a month (I like my doc a lot; but how I hate it when my counts are bad, and I have to go in to see him month after month after month), I've been given a reprieve for the whole Summer! My next appt. isn't until mid-Sept. WooHoo! For more information about my lab results, just click on the graph above.

Week Three: Lisa has obviously been paying attention to my updates. She must have noticed that I featured pictures of two of her children, because she just sent me some pictures of her third child - Jackson - at a recent swim meet. MouseOver these pictures for CloseUps of Jackson mIkIE on a Sunday morning before a shower and shave   MouseOver this picture to see BALD mIkIE How quickly things can change! There I was feeling so sick at the first of the month. No real specific problem, just lots of little things. Plus, I had already exceeded my average quota of puking per month (average 4; this month's score is 6 already), so that had me feeling out of sorts. But then the pool water finally cleared up, the sun was out, it was freaking hot, and I felt good! I still excepted bad results from the blood work; but that turned out good too! Now though, it's been raining some, it's too chilly for swimming, and I feel lousy again. Matter-of-fact, worse than I did earlier this month! The silver lining so far over the last couple of days of not feeling so well is that I haven't thrown up any. I still miss Jim with nearly everything that happens. It may slip my mind for a few moments; but those moments are never too long. Let me give you some examples illustrated with a "deja vu" moment and a "non deja-vu" moment. Similar to the grieving process I went through with Randy, there's one sure way that's guaranteed to make me go into a funk and get teary-eyed, and that's driving home from seeing one of the moms. Nearly every time (actually every time except one) that I have driven home after from a visit with Randy's mom, I have cried on the 45 minute trip back to my city. I think somehow it touches on a very troubling thought ("leaving behind") that I had losing Randy ("leaving me behind", "leaving him behind " as I left his grave). Now I'm experiencing that all over again with Jim as I leave from my OhioMom's house. The drive is much shorter (just about 12 minutes through town); but it always hits me that I'm driving "his" car back home where I'm going to be without him. However in a "non deja-vu" way, each time I come home I feel drastically different. Randy and I had only been living in that house for a year and half; but it was "our" house. Everything in the house was "ours", and that gave me great comfort. For years, I even left Randy's name on the land contract, and kept payments up on several utilities in his name. Although I have lived with Jim for a year and a half, it still seems to be his house. It's HIS car, pool, stereo, kitchen table, curtains, towels - why the list is endless and filled with the most trivial things! Of course, there's plenty of my stuff around too (I think I've told you that Jim was very good about letting me fully move into his house); however, "my" stuff is just a reminder that it's not "his" stuff. For the 20 yrs that I've known Jim, this has been his house and his stuff. It's hard not to think of it that way still - even with all the changes, rearranging, and storage of much of his belongings. Maybe if I was more certain that I'd be able to keep the house, I would think differently. But since no one ever found me that crystal ball I needed months ago, I just feel no assurance that I'll still be able to live here in six months. Knowing the rough times are coming doesn't make it any better when they arrive. The start of my financial worries has started to happen. Today I lost my internet connection and TV service. I know I managed to live without the two services back at my old house for many months; but that doesn't make not having a net-connect any less suck-y! But the choice was to pay the utilities of power and gas before a TV/ISP service. Unfortunately this is just the start of some rougher times. There is now $733 due on the car, and although I finally got the garage cleared out enough (for the third time in the last couple of months) to park it in there, I'm sure the repo men will be coming for it soon. (I guess I better get to the grocery store tomorrow, before I'm having to balance bags on my handlebars as I bike home from the store. LOL) Then a bill for property taxes showed up the other day. It seems not all of the back taxes had been caught up like I thought. The county treasurer is requesting $2,483 for the taxes due on this property and house ($1,886 is the past due portion). As I hinted at earlier, I just can't see how I'm going to be able to hold onto this house. I should be okay for a few more months, but with the taxman and the creditors (the doctors, labs, ambulance services) beginning to circle, it's just a matter of time till they come to pick the bones. Following some advice from my Mom, there's a very slim chance that there still might be some help out there for me. Not long after Jim passed away, I spoke with his boss. At that time, he told me that TriCity Nissan might be providing me with some financial help. Since they had known that Jim had dropped his health insurance (because he couldn't afford it) just before going into the hospital, they were tentatively planning a charity golf event to help cover Jim's medical costs. Jim's boss told me that they were still planning on the event; but would now give me the contributions to cover medical or house expenses. I learned a long time ago to never count on money until it's in your hand, so I didn't start making plans for the $4,000 he said they usually averaged at an event like this. Oh, I had very definite ideas of how I could spend that money (cremation fee, a couple house payments, the car payments, the utilities, part of the real estate taxes. That amount would catch up nearly everything and give me a fighting chance; but I wasn't writing out any checks until that money was in my bank. That was a good thing too, as it's been a month since they were "supposed" to have held the golfing event and I've heard nothing about it or any donation. (to be honest, I never mentioned this in my blog earlier because all my pessimistic thinking told me that things was never go that "right" for me) Mom's suggestion was to send an email asking how the event had gone off since I hadn't heard anything and to see how he replied. I do have a couple of trivial things to talk to Jim's boss about so I do have an opening to send an email to him. I'm also going to add that I was sorry to have seen no one from TriCity at my Open House when even some friends from Waikems showed up. I may have to email Doug Waikem too. He had told me that he had a contribution but was waiting on another of Jim's co-workers to add to it before turning it over to me. That was a month and a half ago! Mom did make a snide comment about relying on car dealers to tell the truth when I told her neither company had given any donations like they had told me they would. In case you thought I had forgotten, I started dropping "Thank You" cards in the mail today. It's not that I am not eternally grateful for your donations; it's that it's a very heavy emotional toll tackling that chore. On each of the envelopes, with your return address, in which you sent your cards, I marked your donations. Going through and writing the thank you's, I have been re-reading your cards. From your early "get-well" cards to your sympathy cards, each one is dear to my heart, as it had brought me hope beforehand or comfort after losing Jim. With the exception of a few members of my family, most of the donations were from $20 to $50. I'm very touched to know that those monies came from people that either know poverty like I do, or are on disability like I am. While the companies that Jim worked for didn't even spring for flowers, over a dozen and a half people that I have met online at aidsmeds.com sent donations. Closing out this update on a much happier note, I want to say a big ol' HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Emma, my online friend from England.

Week Four: Part of my recent re-arranging of the house included moving my masks out into the living room. Although not visible on my webcams anymore (which is ok, since I don't have an internet connection and my cams aren't online anyway), my masks are now seen by everyone walking into the house, and perhaps passers-by as they glance through the front picture window at night. As I was thinking about my woes with the taxman, creditors, and past due utilities, I realized what a mess I'm really in; but before I give the brief (ha ha ha) rundown, I feel obligated to say something in deference to the nature of the person I am. Quite a few months before Randy passed away, I had been laid off. I was eligible for unemployment for 26 wks and a presidential decree extended that by another 26 wks, for a total of a full year. Due to those fortuitous circumstances and my following courier job with flexible hrs, I was able to spend the last year and a half of Randy's life with him nearly all the time in our new house. Fourteen years later, even though Jim worked long hours, I was able to spend the last year and half of his life actually living and sleeping with him after moving into his house. Unless you've been in my situation, words can't express how much I cherish that time I had with my guys. Part of me wishes I had known the future and I would have enjoyed that time even more; but part of me already knows I shared that time and love and enjoyed it to the fullest. Loving my cocker spaniels as I do, you'll understand this next comment is meant as nothing but a compliment. Just as I came to believe that the short time I had with each dog (from 4 to 14 yrs) was worth any of the grief of their loss, so too do I feel about Randy and Jim. No matter how they left me, the life, love and happiness I shared with them was worth any subsequent grief or troubles. However, the situation in which I was left after each of my guys passed away has been vastly different. The first time, things almost were able to go on as normal. This time, things weren't left in such good shape. When Randy passed away, many things didn't change. My name was on the land contract and most of the utilities. Since we had been waiting on Randy's disability to be approved, we already even had a roommate to help with the finances. Things held stable for nearly 12 yrs. However, after losing the last of several roommates over the years and having my SS check cut (to pay off an "over payment"), I wasn't able to hold on any longer after almost more two years, and I lost the house. Luckily, Jim and I had been together for several years by then, and losing the house finally "pushed" us into pooling our resources and sharing a home. However, after Jim passed away, I have been left with my name on nothing associated with the house and no resources to compensate for the loss of Jim's income (which started several months before his death). Although I've been only late with the house payments ($270), all the utilities have fallen nearly three months behind (power $225; gas $250; phone $200; cable tv and internet $210) - not to mention three months worth of payments ($733) on the car. Recently, I received a property tax bill and learned there are still overdue taxes from last year included with the current bill ($2,800). There's also still $430 due for Jim's cremation along with numerous medical bills. While the hospital has applied for a retroactive medical card to cover their costs, I have now been told that it will not cover the bills from the doctors, labs, and ambulance services. The house is worth approximately $98k with a $30k home equity loan out against it. Even if my name was on the deed, selling the house would, not only, not pay off Jim's medical debt; but would also leave me homeless. So the nitty-gritty of all this talk of bills is quite simple - there is no way I'm going to be able to continue living in Jim's house for much longer. (Even if Jim's employer comes through with a donation, as he still promised in his reply to my email.) Considering the plumbing needs to be replaced and the roof is in terrible disrepair, perhaps this isn't such a bad thing. When Randy passed away, I was afraid living in OUR house was going to be emotionally hard to do; but I found it comforting to stay there with my memories of what had been. However, as I mentioned, I'm not finding it as comforting living in Jim's house after his passing. Of course, I'm going to be terribly sad leaving behind this house because part of me very much dreads leaving this big connection I had to my Jim. Maybe though, like getting rid of his clothing (intimate, personal reminders), leaving Jim's house might be the right thing (though very difficult) for me to do. Trust me, I'm still just wrapping my mind around this idea and I've been thinking about it from ALL angles. It seems I'm in the same predicament I was about two years ago (losing my home). Only this time there's only me (sans boyfriend) to work out a solution. Things will be okay for another month or two (I hope!); but as I originally feared, I feel that by the end of summer, I'm going to have to find another home. Needless to say, these thoughts have kept me up for several nights and have brought tears to my eyes numerous times. When I was first hit by some of these thoughts (even before Jim passed away), I realized that the positive view to take was that my whole future is open now. There are millions of doors I could chose to go through (maybe stay at this house, move back to NC, move elsewhere, etc.). To be honest though, I just can't live up to that optimistic view of life right now. I'm really in just a pretty depressed, pessimistic frame of mind at this point of my life. I'd rather not have such "opportunities" for my life, as I liked the nice stable one I had with Jim; but that choice is no longer an option, so I must choose a different path to take. At least, I still have some health , some skills to earn some extra cash , and my doggies! And for a little while longer, the pool. A good way to clear your head and order your thoughts is always to get back in touch with some nature. Since the weather has been too chilly for me to commune with nature by the side of the pool, Joyce had the excellent idea of a trip to the park. Most of these park pictures were taken by Joyce. Recently, as I was still sorting through things (that's code for deciding which of Jim's possessions I want to keep, which I should keep, and what I might as well get rid of), I decided that Joyce should get Jim's camera. Just like some of Jim's clothes, I enjoy the thought that some of his things are going on to help out some of his friends.   You'd think with all the recent thunderstorms that have gone through the area that the water level would be high. Quite often sections of these parks will flood when the creek rises. However, the creek (and lakes/ponds) were quite shallow. This momma duck was able to easily teach her baby how to scavenge for food in the shallow stream.   It's been months and months; but it's back! It's a GBS! (Gratuitous Butt Shot) As an added bonus this month's GBS has TWO butts for your viewing pleasure. Canton has a large park section just off the interstate, behind Mercy Medical Center where Jim was hospitalized. Looking at the park from various hospital windows this Winter, it was hard for me to remember how beautiful the park can be during the year. Actually a string of three parks (Stadium Park, Monument Park - with it's memorial and gravesite of President McKinley, and Waterworks Park), the parks are filled with creeks, ponds, waterfalls, and bridges, along with a large well-maintained jogging path and many well-placed benches. The ducks and geese have certainly "multiplied" this year. On the left is a picture of the park this past week; while on the right is a picture this past November.   We had brought one more "passenger" with us in Joyce's van - my bike! It's been about 6 months since I was on my bike last. MouseOver to see mikie biking down the trail on the far side of the pond I made it around the Monument Park trail twice for my first time back in the saddle. I won't say I wasn't pretty winded; but it sure felt good again. Here's a pix of me from the last time I was on my bike back in the late Fall. I would have never imagined, back then, how much my life was about to change. Just a little over a month after this pix was taken, I lost Gabby. Three months later, Jim would go into the hospital, and then two months later, I lost him too. Now it's just me and the boyz, and we're all getting a little "long in the tooth" ourselves. You can't live in sadness or worry 24/7, or you'd go crazy for sure; so I was glad to have an afternoon out in the sunshine. Having friends along made it an excellent outing. This week was half-rainy and partly cloudy. Luckily NOTHING happened, so I don't have any updates for you.

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