leatherman's log  
March March 2007
Week One |   Week Two |   Week Three |   Week Four

Week One:
Continuing with the birthday celebrations of last month (Jonathan, Lisa and Donny), this month has even more celebrations.

Happy Birthday!!

Ritchie, Angie, Celia, Linda, Mike P,
Austin, mIkIE*, Jon, Kayla, and Mary
*Leatherman celebrates reaching an unbelievable 47 years old on March 14th!!

Getting things back on track
Finally! I get to move up to being "poor". For the last three years, I have had to survive at sub-poverty levels of income and have gone from some of the best times in my life to the worst. Thankfully, I survived the turmoil and have come out the other side; but sadly, I definitely am quite a bit more worse for the wear afterwards.

Take a trip with me through Mr. Peabody's WABAC machine to 2006
   
Year One - 2006
March - Although I thought I had properly complied with them several years prior, Social Security's "birthday present" for me as I turned 44 was a cut in my monthly disability payment! It seems that, for a whole list of times and dates that Social Security had recorded, I had earned too much in my part-time job four years prior; therefore, the monthly checks I had received during that timeframe had been too large. Of course, these "overpayments" needed to be repaid. At first, they wanted to retain 100% of my monthly checks until the balance was paid; however I was able to negotiate and my checks was reduced by 33% for 3 years until the balance was repaid in full.
 
December - Unfortunately, by November I had already fallen a month behind in my house payments and saw no way to catch back up until my check amount returned normal. Faithfully, through the death of Randy my first love and long-term partner, my PCP hospitalization, a second hospitalization with pneumonia, losing the 7 dogs of our first pack of cocker spaniels and our 20-yr old cat, years of sickness and side effects from the meds, and several years with Jim my second long-term partner, faithfully I had paid 14 years of a 20-yr land contract. Yet it was drifting away from me after all those years. I took my poverty (and impending eviction) as the "sign" that Jim and I should consolidate our lives and homes after so many years together. So the week before Christmas, sadly leaving behind my home filled with memories of Randy and our first pack of dogs, I loaded up my second pack of spaniels and happily moved into Jim's home to really live our lives together.

Year Two - 2007
March - Sadly as I turned 45, it looked like our move might not have been so joyous when only a few months into the year, Jim's last cat passed away. However, looking back at my blog, I can honestly say that the year 2007 ended up being one of the best, if not the best, years of my life. It didn't matter that Jim wasn't making as much as he had in previous years and that my check was still reduced, because we had love. When Jim and I weren't playing in the backyard with the dogs or in the pool, we were out on some adventure or working on some project. I never dreamed, when I lost Randy, that I'd ever be this happy and this in love again. I can never repay or thank Jim enough for the change he helped to bring about in my life by the strength, love and hope that he gave to me. His love literally brought me back from nearly drifting away to follow after my lost love Randy.
 
For no matter what else will ever, or can ever, happen in my life, surely I must be the luckiest guy in the world to have three moms (my real mom down in the Carolinas; Randy's mom, my mom-in-law; and my OhioMom, one of my very best friends, whose loving family gladly (and willingly) calls me one of their own), the love and companionship of eleven cocker spaniels (all descendants of the cocker Randy gave me for my first birthday after we became a couple) and the love of two great men spanning over two decades of my life.
 
December - As 2007 was drawing to a close, I sadly realized that an otherwise extremely happy year would be book-cased on either end by sorrowful events. Time and old age finally took their toll on another pet and I had to have my oldest cocker spaniel, a female named Gabrielle, put to sleep.
 
Little did I realize then that this was only a taste of the sadness that would soon be pouring into my life. It wouldn't be much longer until events would be twisting and warping the happiness, love and domestic tranquility from the best year of my life into the sorrow, turmoil and grief of, quite literally, the worst year of my life.

Year Three - 2008
March - Starting the third and final year of having a reduced monthly disability payment, things weren't looking very good at all. After nearly 6 weeks of off-n-on symptoms, Jim was admitted to the hospital. During a blizzard the weekend before my 46th birthday, Jim was diagnosed with AIDS and non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. After watching him suffer through two rounds of chemo and barely surviving through sixty days of a nightmarish experience in the hospital, I brought Jim home, as he had begged me, and cared for him for nine days before he passed away on May 1st.
 
Only through the kindness of people from around the world, and their contributions, was I able to have any money for Jim's cremation. Though the remaining third of that bill is now in collections against me, I was just barely able to retrieve Jim's remains, allowing me to hold a memorial service spreading his ashes across Randy's grave on May 25th which was the 14th anniversary of Randy's passing.
 
By August, Jim's car had been re-possessed; the gas utility has been shut off (no hot water for 3 months - thank goodness, it was Summer and not Winter, cause this is Ohio!); cable TV, the internet, and our cell phones were all disconnected. I was two months behind on the mortgage payment for Jim's house in which I was living (which had the additional problems of several holes in the roof, badly corroded pipes, and an outstanding tax bill of nearly $3K!). Though many people (who weren't walking a mile in my shoes) thought I would be able to keep things going, I knew all along that a day was coming to when I'd have to flee from - to literally "abandon" - Jim's beloved home. (And I thought it had been hard leaving behind my old house that I shared with Randy. Ha! Jim's parents had passed away (heart failure and cancer) before either turned 55, leaving Jim as an orphan with a house by age 16. Jim's entire family legacy vanished when I left behind his empty neglected house, the home he had begged me to bring him back to just half a year earlier. Sigh!)
 
Through sheer desperation, will power, muscle, clinical depression and perspiration, I repaired parts of my life by finding a suitable housemate, another "potential" housemate, a rental house with enough room for us and the dogs, and the provisions to move my belongings, my doggies and what was left of my shattered life to this new home. But even the best laid plans sometimes go awry. The potential roomie was failing miserably to even pretend to carry his own weight, and, using the "getting back on track" metaphor, I told the bum "no more free ride" and threw him off my train. I didn't feel bad for tossing him out Thanksgiving night into the cold and snow because I don't expect anything from anyone that I couldn't do myself. If I (a middle-aged man, living with AIDS for 16 years, collecting reduced disability payments) had been able to fight back to some sort of life after having lost Jim and every bit of the life I had, then anyone else without my problems should have been able to have done the same at least. As the years have gone by, I have no pity for those who bring trouble onto themselves, nor for those who won't even try to take responsibility for themselves.
 
December - Christmas this year didn't deserve a tree, lights or gifts. I'll admit that I was a lot Scrooge-y/anti-Christmas-y because of Jim's death. That feeling couldn't be helped even with a trip back home to NC for the holiday to spend some time with my family, because the "first holidays" after being "widowed" are always the saddest. However, after nearly three years of this reduced payment and with the moving expenses, there just wasn't any money for anything "Christmas-y" either. Luckily the sale of some of Jim's personal belongings and family heirlooms had paid the rental down payments and utility connection fees at the new house or me and the doggies might have just spent this Christmas homeless.

The Present - 2009
March - WooHoo! As I uneasily both celebrate living through another year to be 47; and yet still grieve over the turmoil and tragedy that this past year worth's of living held for me, I am receiving a much better birthday present from Social Security this year. I got the letter from SS recently informing me that my repayment is nearly repaid. Although my March check will still be decreased, it will only be reduced slightly by the final partial repayment. Starting April 3rd, my monthly income will increase from ~$514 to ~$748. WooHoo!
 
During this past year, I have gotten some of my derailed life back on track. Out of necessity, my housing and utilities were top priorities and I got those fixed. A few other things, like getting back on my bicycle, have had to be put off until the weather in Ohio gets better; but I have still been making changes when I can. I just happened to have timed it out so that on the very day I celebrate turning 47 (march 14th), I'll also celebrate 47 days without smoking. WooHoo!
 
Using Chantix just over a year ago, I had quit smoking for 110 days, before Jim became gravely ill and I let the stress push me into resuming the habit. Now, I'm already nearly halfway back to where I was when everything fell apart last year. With some calculations from the Chantix website, I know that I spent well over $1,800 this past year on cigarettes, so I'll have more of that money in my pocket too.
 
Lordy! It's amazing that I survived at all after three years living on a reduced income. According to the numbers, I collected ~$6,000 in disability payments each of the last three years, so subtracting the cost of smoking means that I lived on barely $4,000 last year! It's no wonder I couldn't hold onto the lifestyle that Jim and I shared as a couple. Using the $6k or $4k income figure doesn't much matter; as either way was going to be a tough life. With the federal poverty level for a single at $10,400, I lived anywhere from 43% to 62% poorer than poor.
 
The irony of all this is that all I ever had different in my life for working years ago was cable and internet access. I never realized that I was risking my future housing money and perhaps access to meds while I was trying to hold onto some sense of false dignity and pretense that my  health is better than it actually is.
 
But things are much different now. I won't know what to do this next year. With my payments back up to normal and without spending money on cigs, my spendable yearly income with rise more than double from $4k to $9k. Although I'll still be poor enough to be 15% below poverty level, I should feel like I'm swimming in untold luxury.

Pet Pix
Little baby kitties need lots of play, food, love, and
SLEEP
Sometimes older puppies need lots of sleep too
Some other dogs prefer to stay awake
and PLAY
 
Three loving brothers

Week Two:
In the Kitchen
I was back in the kitchen early this month trying another couple of new recipes. I guess I must just miss making my muffins.
 
For a few years, my local chain of grocery stores has carried tins of meringue cookies; but they haven't had them in for quite some time now. When I saw a recipe in the Parade magazine of this past Sunday's paper, I thought I'd try to whip some of my own meringues. Though I believed I had whipped the egg whites into the appropriate stiff peak stage, halfway through adding the sugar the mixture "deflated". After several minutes of continued mixing, I realized my "batter" was never going to be anything but "marshmallow-goop" by this point. After a quick consult with Joyce (my OhioMom is always cooking up something in her kitchen, so she's got a lot of answers for cooking questions), I tried again. This time I had success!
Crunchy on the outside and light, fluffy and sugary on the inside,
with a dash of lemon zest, these taste almost like little bites of lemon-meringue pie.
 
After using all those egg whites for two batches of meringue cookie batter, I had a lot of egg yolks left over. I thought since I like custard but have never made one, that I might as well try my hand at another new recipe. Unfortunately, I had a problem with making a custard. Instead of "custard-ing", my turned out to just look "gloopy". Actually the word clabbered comes to mind. I refused to even give this a taste test and sent it straight to the garbage. I'll have to try again as I still have some yolks left over and will have more when I make some more meringue cookies.
Since the custard didn't work out so well (I'll find another recipe to try out) and birthday cake isn't coming for me until later in the week, I just whipped up a batch of Chinese Almond Cookies. Even though the icing is green, I didn't try any flavors this time, so it's just plain vanilla icing on the almond cookies. Mmmm!
 
I'll be cooking some "real" food in my kitchen soon too. For my birthday, Joyce already got me a cast iron skillet. I haven't had one in years and years since Jodi moved out and took hers to Georgia with her and Ramone. I've already got a bag of black-eye peas, now I need to get the fixings to whip me up a pan of homemade cornbread.

Corissa
The kitten loves playing in the spare bedroom and is getting rich doing it. So far she's found $.08 cents in pennies!
She finds those coins and spends hours rolling, biting, chewing, batting, and grabbing them.
(as long as she's not eating them LOL)

Is Spring coming early to Ohio?
Last year, we spent this weekend buried under two feet of sn@w! Though I'm sure the sn#w isn't done with us yet (there's usually one last sn@w in April that at least covers the grass up for a few hours), things are starting to warm up a bit and there are signs that Spring is on the way.
MouseOver these pictures to see CloseUps of the emerging tree buds

I was trying not to be too sad this month; but I see that that isn't happening. One reason I seem to be more sad is that, quite frankly, I've gotten lonelier. In the past year, I lost my best friend of 20 years. I had to kick out a friend who was going to be a housemate. The housemate I have plays World of Warcraft (WOW) 16-20 hours a day; and although we chat some, it has gotten to feel like I am living in the house alone. My other best friend from the last 20 yrs, no longer chats with me every morning and spends more and more of her time talking about or playing WOW too.
   
I should  have known better; but I also made my sadness worse by going by Jim's old house yesterday. The poor house is still sitting there abandoned. I know I couldn't have done anything to keep the house; but having it still standing there without any owner watching over it just tears me up. Of course, that pushed me all the way over into a deep funk. Depression and it's symptoms still amaze me. In less than two hours I went from feeling healthy, fit, rested and happy to sad, tired, sleepy, sick to my stomach, and feeling like it was 1999 and I was fresh out of the hospital trying to recover from pneumonia. I've spent so many months trying to not cry, to move on, to start a new life, to live without Jim; but only a year has gone by and the wounds are still too fresh.

However, there will be some good news coming up in my next update. There's only one good way to get through the rough times when depression hits - get busy! So next update, besides telling you about the newer computer and new wide screen monitor that I received for my birthday, I hope to have pictures of my new computer room. I'm going to be re-painting the room (across the hall from my bedroom) that Sean (the ex-housemate) started and only half finished. Afterwards I plan to move my desk, new computer, and office stuff over into that room. And with a little luck, I may even be getting a queen-size waterbed to replace the air mattress that I've been using in my bedroom.

Week Three:
Birthday Thoughts
"Today is the greatest day I have ever known
Can't wait for tomorrow, I might not have that long
I'll tear my heart out, before I get out"
--Today by the Smashing Pumpkins

today I turn 47. WooHoo!

today is the 47th day that I have not smoked a cigarette. WooHoo!

today is 6 months that I've lived in my new home. WooHoo!

today my three year repayment to disability is finally over. WooHoo!

with my monthly check amount going back up 33% to it's normal total,
and the $2k+ saved by not smoking, my yearly income will go from ~$4k to ~$9k.
WooHoo!

today is 13 yrs since I was in a hospital dying with PCP. WooHoo!
today is 11 yrs since I was in a hospital dying with pneumonia. WooHoo!
(a "fun" way to spend my 34th and 36th birthdays, huh?)

a year ago today my picture was on the front page of the local paper. WooHoo!
(complaining about gas prices)

Though I'm still very glad that I've lived twelve "extra" years since I thought I was "supposed" to die, I'm finding it a quite hard to actually be really happy about it this year - even with all that happy stuff that today represents. Actually I'm finding myself terribly depressed. I've spent so many months trying to not cry, to move on, to start a new life, to live without Jim, all those things you're supposed to do; but in reality, only the very first year has gone by and the wounds on my heart are still fresh.

a year ago today my partner received a diagnosis of non-Hodgkin's lymphoma,
to go along with the AIDS diagnosis he received just a few days before.

it's been 311 days since Jim passed away. it feels like forever. it feels like yesterday.

I'll be spending probably too much time over the next 54 days reliving some truly horrible memories of Jim's suffering before he passed away. Though the one year anniversary of his death is actually on May 1st, I won't be passed these first year sad anniversaries until May 25th. That day is the 15th anniversary of Randy's death, and the first anniversary of the final sad event of last year - the memorial where I left Jim's ashes on Randy's grave.

Maybe next year, when two years have passed after losing Jim, I'll be happier when I turn 48
but maybe it'll take turning 50 or more for me to start to be happy again.
(I know because it took several years for me to feel any "better" and really move forward after I lost Randy)

When I haven't been crying uncontrollably from the sorrow that has been beating down upon me these last few days, I've been doing one of the things to help combat the depression - staying active.

For my birthday, I have been given a year old hand-me-down computer WITH a brand new 22-in wide screen monitor. (I'm a computer geek, so this is like a totally awesome present dude!) I'm hoping to pick up a queen-size (no jokes from the pnut gallery! LOL) waterbed off of craigslist this weekend. I had to leave behind my old king-size water bed when I moved from Jim's house, so it'll be heaven to be back lying on a warm waterbed. Since my housemate and I have been able to manage our finances (during the dreaded cold Oh winter months) and get through 6 months without the third housemate that I kicked out, I'm spending my birthday weekend repainting the third bedroom. When I'm done, it'll be my office/computer room which, after I spread things out between the two rooms, will leave me a lot more space in my bedroom for that waterbed. WOOHOO!

Oops! I almost forgot to get a picture of my cake, so here's a picture of what used to be left of my cake. I ate this last piece after taking this picture and now the cake is no more.  
Along with the skillet and a gift card from my GrandMother, I also got this mask from the Richard Clark family.

Remodeling and Moving
It all looks so, so easy on those home improvement shows; but there's just no easy way to paint the odd corners in an old house or to cover up someone else's bad paint job. Sean had started to paint the third bedroom "va-va-voom red" which is the color of bright red blood, and had "planned" on painting the trim black.  However after three weeks, he had only painted two walls, slapped red paint all over the white molding and spilled a little paint on the carpet.

In just three hours worth of my time, I painted a first coat on all the walls and had put a first coat on half the the molding and baseboards in the room.
I figured that a nice burgundy color would cover up the red painted walls AND the original pale yellow walls.
It sure didn't hurt that this was the same color scheme that I had used in the living room of my old house on 14th street.
It meant that I already had curtains and decorative items for the room.
It took a second day and a second coat of paint to finish off the room.
  If you look to the right in this picture,
you'll see my computer in my bedroom
   
Nearly finished and ready for my new computer setup.
It's definitely the "ComputerTutor's Cubicle"
and not "leatherman's lair"
With the newest feather mask that I received for my bday, I have a growing collection of this kind of mask too; butI hadn't put any of them up on the living room wall with the other ceramic masks yet. (mainly because I had run out of push-pins) Of course I made sure to have "wall space" behind my head to hang masks so that those watching me on the webcam can see them also.
 
It's much nicer, and way roomier, being in my new den/computer room; without being smashed up against the wall or my bed. I've been able to open up both leaves of my table and have a full desk once again.

I do have a white shelf that used to be over in my bedroom, that I will be mounting over my desk before I can actually call this room's remodeling completed.

(Does the table look familiar to any of you, my family members? This is the same dining room table we shared for all those years of living on Norland Rd. )
plenty of screen space for viewing the internet

But wait! There's more!
Since I was moving my computer out of my bedroom, I figured I should see what changes I could make in that room too while everything was in an upheaval. Checking out craigslist, I found a queen size waterbed for $60 on this side of town. I took some time out painting to borrow Angie, Ritchie and Richard's truck and get the bed moved to my house.
Of course, the bed frame needed some "freshening up", so when I took breaks from painting burgundy on the walls upstairs, I was busy painting black lacquer on all the pieces of the bed.
 
All the pieces painted and ready to be put together
across the hall in the bedroom . . .
. . . while everything in the bedroom was ready
to be moved out to move the new bed in.
   
Looking at my handiwork
MouseOver CloseUp
   
MouseOver CloseUp
of some spoiled pets enjoying the electric blanket
Zeus is all smiles for the new look in the bedroom
   
mIkIE's calm blue bedroom
I have to re-mount one white shelf over the headboard before I call this room totally finished.

The Final Touch
As promised, I hung a shelf in the computer room and one in my bedroom.
Now, I'm done!

Week Four:
How much is that kitty in the window?
Everyday the pets bring joy and smiles to my life. After letting the dogs out one morning, I caught Corissa looking out the window at the doggies. Of course, she only "thinks" she wants to be outside with them. She didn't like the cold and snow too much when she got out onto the front porch once, and I doubt she'd like the mud and dirt in the backyard either.
  MouseOver CloseUps
of Corissa (lft side) and BackYard Cam (rt side)

I did just want to let everyone know that I am feeling much better as Spring comes in and March is about to end. After spending time painting, moving furniture and sweating instead of remembering, dwelling, and crying, I am doing much better in my head that I was doing just a few days before my birthday. For over a week, I had to just quit re-reading my blog from last year because it was just too upsetting. I'm sure I'll probably have a few more "bad days" in the next month remembering back to last year; but for now, my head and heart are feeling better.
 
As I celebrate 60 days without smoking, I am very glad. No, still no great health benefits from quitting. I wasn't really expecting any; but that's the first thing everyone seems to ask me about. However, with the new federal and state taxes hitting cigarettes and tobacco, it seems that my monetary reasons for quitting are even better than ever.

I never will be one of those "reformed smokers" who advocate no smoking. I'm a firm believer in less government and less laws regulating our lives, not more. And if I won the lottery tomorrow, I'd start smoking again. So I've been emailing my Congressmen about how stupid it is to fund children's health care (the SCHIP program) with a dwindling fund. As more people are forced to quit smoking because of the higher costs (higher taxes have already reduced the number of smokers in the last 20 years by +75%), there will be less money to support the children on the SCHIP program. Already the projected income for SCHIP has been reduced by the money I would have paid in cigarette taxes - along with the taxes that would have been collected from my housemate ( it's day 10 of "not smoking" for him. WooHoo!)

Spring is Approaching;
Time for Some Planting
Now that Spring is finally approaching, and we've had some better weather, I've been able to get outside and see what work needs to be done on this "new" yard that I've acquired. I know that I'll be spending a lot of time just cleaning up. There is more shattered glass and trash in this yard and neighborhood than I've ever seen in my life. Needless to say, things will be much improved looking later in the season when my cleaning is done and my flowers are blooming.

MouseOver to highlight the flower bed
In front of the front porch, I planted a row of  the burgundy hollyhocks. These seeds were from the flowers that grew behind my front hedges at my old house on 14th St.
 
The BackYard
Looking out the window in my computer room (or from the dining room where John's computer is stationed), is a view of the backyard. Unfortunately, I don't think this photo quite does justice to the difference in the height difference of each section of yard. Further down, in this update, I have a picture that I took at the back of the property (up against the wood fence near the top of this picture) looking up at the house, that shows the unique landscape better than this picture.
MouseOver to highlight the flower beds
The grass looks a little "thread-bare" right now too, after winter and the dogs trampling through the yard. I've been spreading a lot of grass seed, which I'll probably just be complaining about when I have to mow too much in August.

MouseOver to highlight the flower bed
Using the old metal structure that used to be part of an outdoor clothesline and a small section of fence, I'm hoping to have a "wall" of morning glories once they climb up from this flower bed.
Along the very back of the property, I planted another line of hollyhocks. I had a little mishap and this could be a colorful bed of flowers one day. I accidentally mixed up all the burgundy, white and pink hollyhock seeds when I tripped. I'm just going to have to wait till they bloom to see what I planted back there.

FYI: I'll probably have to wait until next year to know what color flowers I really planted. Hollyhocks don't produce many flowers (if any) the first year, until they establish a good root system.

MouseOver to highlight the flower bed
   
Here's a view from the very back of the property (where I planted the hollyhocks along the fence line)
looking up towards the back of the house. It's easier to see the three levels of the yard in this picture than in the other pictures.
(my new computer room/den is that window on the second floor, to the left)
I was considering planting cosmos along the retaining wall in the bottom section of the yard; but ran into a little snag - there's concrete on the ground between the wall and the patio.However, it may still work out to plant the cosmos in this location. The cement is already covered in about an inch of dirt. If I continue to remove all the top soil that has washed down and covered up the brick driveway, I'll have plenty of soil to build up that area for the short roots of the cosmos.

I would also like to build a set of steps that leads from the upper part of the backyard down to the patio. Eventually, I'll like to move the lawn chairs and grill down to this patio area; but I need to cut some steps into the upper section of the yard and then add the stairs I just mentioned, so that my guests can easily get all the way to the back of my property.
The two pictures show how much  more of the bricks I uncovered
while out working in the yard on a lovely early Spring day.
MouseOver CloseUp MouseOver CloseUp
 
Remember the tree, that I showed you earlier this month, that was already budding? Now it's filling up with huge fuzzy buds that look like fat yellow caterpillars. The last few days, between rain showers and in the bright sunshine, there have been quite a few honey bees buzzing the tree about doing their thing.
   
Click either of these pictures on the left to see a LARGE version. If you'd rather not try to find the bees in the picture on the lower left, then MouseOver the top and bottom halves of the picture on the right to see a few of the honey bees.
Click to view a large version of this picture MouseOver the top and bottom halves of the picture on the right to see a few of the honey bees
Click to view a large version of this picture

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leathermann
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