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| Although this is in memory to Randy, I must first
preface his story by telling you how lucky and happy I have been,
and how saddened by the way the wheel of life has turned. My luck
was in loving and being loved by two men - Randy Rapp and Jim
Pollnow. Each man, for nearly a decade each as my partner, brought
joy into my life, pushed me to my potential, and gave me reason to
live and enjoy life. |
| However, twice I have lost my heart and my love to
AIDS. Reliving the loss of Randy, the situation, almost exactly
fourteen years later, was eerily filled with coincidences when I
lost Jim. Both men's illnesses started with a month-long fever; both
died within 18 months of moving into a new home; both were born in
July, and both passed away in May. |
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Randall
Charles Rapp
July 9, 1963 - May 25, 1994 |
For I felt that my soul and his were
one soul in two bodies,
and therefore life was a horror to me,
since I did not want to live as a half;
and yet I was also afraid to die lest he,
whom I had loved so much,
would completely die.
(St. Augustine, Confessions, 4.6)
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| Some of our favorite tunes and reasons why |
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| Falling in Love |
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During the first part of the 80's, while I was in college, I finally realized that I was gay. After dating several people, I found myself single at Christmas '84. One of my two roommates had met someone new and invited me out the week after Christmas and that's when I met Randy. In my mind, I can still see a vivid image of Randy dancing to a Prince tune (Baby, I'm a Star) that first night. |
| The following Wednesday night, I invited Randy out for a movie. With that first image of him still in my mind, I chose "Purple Rain". Looking back, I think our first date must have been some sort of omen of what was to come. The movie and our time was incredible. I found Randy to be polite, kind, funny, and intelligent with a zest for life - and sexy as all get out! However, on the way home that night, we were stopped by a police man. We had just watched this officer pull over another vehicle that had sped past us on the highway. From what the officer told us, the driver of the speeding car had stated that Randy and I had been chasing them on the road and had almost driven them off the pavement! Eventually the police man sent us on our way without a ticket or anything; but two gays guys in a car stopped by the police is a pretty un-nerving situation. Within two weeks of our first meeting, I asked Randy to live with me and that started almost ten years of an incredible life together. Through many wonderful, and many horrible times, we had an excellent loving relationship. |
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| It's Reigning Pets |
| In November of '85, Randy and I moved north to his home state of Ohio. The trip was long and quite scary as we drove a U-Haul truck up through the Appalachian
mountains with all of our worldly belongings, two dogs (Muffin and Appollonia) and one cat (Tasha). After spending almost a year in Cleveland, we opened a pet store in Canton, Ohio. We did a pretty good job with our little store selling misc. small animals and fish. From the back of the shop, we also ran a very busy grooming department. |
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Eventually the store was doing so well after a year, that we decided to move the business to a larger place and move ourselves to Canton, to be closer to the store. To solve both problems, we simply bought a building large enough to house not only the pet store; but for us to live in also. However, the 80's being what they were, at the end of five years, we had to close the store. Although we still were doing a fair amount of grooming, it just wasn't paying to continue business operations. So "It's Reigning Pets" closed and all that's left is a jacket, some business cards, and some fish tanks. |
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| Pictures of Randy |
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For a while, Randy and I worked with a
modeling agency and took some really nice picture. This one was done
in black and white, with some of our black and white puppies (Onyx,
Ebony, and Eightball) |
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| Our Moms |
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Us with Randy's Mom - Carolynn |
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| Us with mIkIE's Mom - Celia |
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| US |
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The very first family portrait of
Randy, Mikie, and Apple |
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The last picture together
taken six months before Randy's death |
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| Gone Too Soon |
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Unfortunately, Randy's life was cut too short. In September of 1993, he was vaguely sick all month. Since I had already tested positive for HIV, we knew what his illness meant. During the next 18 months, our lives were a struggle. The AZT was nearly killing me as fast as Randy was dying. I knew that one of us had to care for the other, so I stopped the meds, and made the rest of Randy's life as good as possible. Luckily,
unemployment benefits had been extended that year, and I was able to spend nearly the entire last year of Randy's life being with him and caring for him.
All too soon, there was no treatment left for Randy. Rather than speaking with his parents or him, Randy's doctor told me this by phone while I waited on Randy in the
Oncology Dpt. getting an IV. The doctor offered me two choices: either admit Randy to the hospital or take him home for hospice care, since there was no more that could be done for Randy. Randy had told me, after a nine day stay in the hospital, that he didn't want to go back, so I arranged for Visiting Nurses to come and set up a hospital bed in our living room. Along with the help of the nurses and a good friend, Mary Kirkman (formerly a tenant of ours at our 12th street home), I got Randy settled back at home with me and our dogs.
Only a short nine days later, on a muggy Spring night, filled with thunderstorms, Randy quit any eating or drinking. Within half an hour from my frantic phone call, Randy's mom (an LPN) arrived, from what is normally an hour trip, to be by her son's side. Having not slept for nearly three days and an hour after dropping off into a nap, I was urgently awakened. Although Randy had quit his vain struggle against death (I believe it was to help me. He saw how much I was being destroyed by his impending death), he knew the end had come and stayed long enough to get cleaned up and have me woken up. At his side for the final moments, I told him that I loved him,
while he struggled to say "love you" and slipped away.
Although the next few days seemed like a blur while they were happening, I remember all the details vividly. I remember waiting four hours for the coroner to come for Randy. I remember making arrangements at the funeral home. I remember the funeral. But most of all, I remember leaving my Randy for the final time.
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Now, I remember the good times, and try not to remember the bad times (I've been crying
a lot writing this). I have some pictures; I have some belongings; and I still have the love of a good man. |
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Right after losing Randy, I came across a summary of a quote by St.
Augustine concerning the death of a beloved friend. After Jim's
death, almost exactly 14 years later, I finally found the original
quotation (below). Though St Augustine wasn't talking about the
death of a partner, his words most eloquently convey the depth the
loss I feel in my life. The words are even more poignant to me now
that I've lost my two partners. In my struggle to continue my own
life without them, I too hold onto the belief that they live on
because I live on and hold them in my heart. Sadly and unfortunately
though, I must only be a "quarter of a soul" by now.
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For I marveled that other mortal men should be alive,
since he whom I had loved, as if he should never die, was dead;
and I marveled the more that I, since I was but his other self,
should be alive when he was dead.
Well hath one said of his friend, "Thou half of my soul"
for I felt that my soul and his soul were "one soul in two bodies"
and therefore was my life a horror to me,
because I loathed that only half of me should be alive:
and hence perchance I feared to die, lest he should wholly die,
whom I had loved much.
"The Confessions of St Augustine", Book Four Chapter 6 |
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Please make sure to also read the
memorial page
that I dedicated to my second long-term partner, Jim Pollnow. |
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