| leatherman's log |
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July 2009 |
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| Week One: Happy 4th! |
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If you thought you'd "just check" to
see if I had posted a new update, then I'm sorry
but you've shown up just a bit too early. You should know how it is
by now - I'm busily typing up the last update from last month.
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 Happy
4th of July |
As of July 4th, the newest update to
my site is from last month starting at week
two (go read that part first) and continues through this first
week of July (then come back to this page to read the first July
update ). |
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If you're reading this after
having gone through the last June update, then I hope
I've given you plenty in June and early July to make up
for such a long time between updates.
Thanks
for being patient! |
| My Mom has still been on the go with her
mobile network and her laptop. She recently stopped at her mother's
house, and I got to not only chat with (using the microphones); but
also got to SEE my GrandMother.
She's not looking too bad to be turning 93 in August. |
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| Leatherman the
Prognosticator |
Thank goodness and thank my big ol'
smart brain. Just as I was opening some of the very last cans in the
cupboard and would have been about to go hungry, John's food stamp
benefits finally came through.
  It
was a very nice trip that we were able to take to the grocery store
too. See because it had be so long since John applied and because he
had been eligible for so long, he received three months (including
for July) worth of benefits - of nearly $600!! We headed up spending
close to $500 and left the store with two shopping carts FULL of
bags of food. |
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| Of course, while John "stocked" up on
ice cream, mini-muffins, ice cream topping, brownie mix and icing, I
loaded up my buggy with staples like canned veggies, cans of tuna,
boxes of hamburger helper, cans and cans of soup and Spaghetti-O
type lunchables, and meat - 10 lbs of gr. beef, hotdogs, brats, etc.
I must say I am a bit more content now that my cupboards are no
longer bare; but it still pissed me off that things had to get so
bad and that John took so long to bring food into the house. |
| The End of 24 Years of
Tradition |
| I don't bring up this subject to
distress you; but only as a reminder of how much my life has changed
since and how much I still miss Jim. |
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| On another issue I mentioned in the
last update, I do realize that part of my frustration with my
"friends" is partially because they AREN'T Jim. They aren't as
active, as enthusiastic, or as energetic as Jim was; and therefore I
longer have anyone who would be interested in (or physically able to
handle) any of the projects or adventures that I would like to be
doing. |
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A case in point is this Fourth of July
Holiday
weekend. For only the third time since moving to Ohio, I will NOT be
in an amusement park for the holiday.
I still got to go to an amusement park the year Randy passed away;
but Richard, Angie and I weren't able to go that year until August.
Of course, Jim's death changed any plans for a trip to the amusement
park last Summer. I had tried to make plans to take Sean late last
Summer, to continue my tradition and as repayment for his help; but
since it was last Summer that Sean quit working, any plans I had
were scraped. |
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| Now, here we are, at the weekend of
the 4th, and I've have no plans for a trip to either Cedar Point or
Kings Island. Instead I've been worried that I wouldn't have any
food to eat, frustrated that my "friends" really don't seem to be
friends to me any longer. For all the big words of support and love
that they give to me, their actions prove different. And it's not
just Joyce and John. I have another friend who IS at the amusement
park today with her children today on the 4th. Jim and I met up with
her and the kids and spent a wonderful time together just three
years ago when Jim went on his last trip to Cedar Point. (July
2006) |
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Of course, we didn't know it was his
last trip when we were there ;
but I have the memories and some pictures of that fun time.
Unfortunately though, what I don't seem to have is a friend that
would think to invite me along, especially after having known me and
my love of the coasters since Randy and I moved into town. Sigh.
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But Summer isn't over yet , so I haven't
given up all hope that some vacation (which could be a trip to an
amusement park)
might happen for me; but it still won't quite be like my 24-yr old
tradition of being on the roller coasters on the 4th of July. |
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| For the Fourth, I'll nervously be
going to Joyce's for a cookout. I say "nervously" because Joyce
wouldn't let anyone hardly help and is taking on all the cooking by
herself. She also didn't even invite all her family and guests until
the day before, though she's been "planning" this for a month.
Here's another Nostradamus-like
prediction, unless I do the grilling and really push to have all the
side dishes done on time then we probably won't be eating until 8pm
instead of the 4pm time that Joyce set. Won't that just be sad? At
my cookout, I had to do all the prep and cooking, and at Joyce's
cookout, I'll have to do the cooking and part of the prep. |
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(We know John won't be helping his mom
any with her cookout. By 4pm, John might not even be out of bed yet;
much less ready for a cookout at his mom's house
  ) |
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I don't know what's going
on; but somehow I think it must be my fault. Not only did my cookout
go badly; but Joyce's cookout, that I attended, had it's problems
too.
The biggest problem at this cookout wasn't that the guests wouldn't
eat - but that there were NO guests! |
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I tried my damnest to not arrive early,
hoping that I would be roped into cooking or helping with Joyce's
cookout; however when the scheduled time of 4pm came and went
without ANYONE showing up, the cooking did fall into my lap.
MouseOver this picture for CloseUp of Joyce smiling
(the only thing she could do with no guests arriving) |
| Once again, this time by no one
showing up for the cookout, I pointed out to Joyce how different
things have been this last year and how everything has confused the
heck out of me. Every other year, while Jim and I have been in an
amusement park, nearly Joyce's entire family has participated in
this annual cookout on the Fourth of July. Usually it was Cliff (who
had gone to someone else's cookout cause there was free beer) and
Linda (at the amusement park with her kids) who had grilled out the
ribs. I've seen the pictures and heard the stories, and remember -
because this is usually the only time the Hancock/Clarks grill out
ribs and Jim and I have missed them every year. |
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| I'm just terribly confused about why all the traditions in the lives
of my friends and myself of nearly the past 15 years should just be
gone because Jim is gone? But it seems that his departure from life
has left the world so unbalanced that my friends would not only
change their characters, but they would also change their own habits
and traditions. Sigh! How can I continue to hold these people as my
support structure when their own lives seem to be collapsing? |
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| Before I finish telling
you about the cookout, I should also tell you that I'm just confused
not that I have given up all hope. As I mentioned probably a month
ago, I just don't know whether I should just deal with things as
they are here for a while and work on rebuilding a life for myself.
Or whether I haven't yet finished changing, moving, and re-arranging
my life yet. You know my credo always says that it takes "hard work
and patience" to change things in your life, well, it's still taking
some time and I obviously still have work to do. As I wished back in
March of last year when Jim was in the hospital, I'm still wishing
for a crystal ball so I at least knew what path to start down in my
life. |
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| (Or maybe I should wish
for cash
I don't have the finances to get a car to drive around town, much
less move back to NC or something; so I guess, in reality, my
choices are already narrowed down quite a bit.
) |
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| But, that's another
problem that won't be solved today, so back to my story about the
4th of July cookout . . . |
| Four slabs of ribs, which Joyce have
cooked in a baking oven all day, and two packs of grilled 3-cheese
potatoes filled up Joyce's grill and kept me busy flipping and
basting. |
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Deviled Eggs, Skillet Beans, corn on
the cobb and
Three-Cheese Grilled Potatoes made excellent side dishes with the
huge platter of ribs. |
| For dessert, I lugged up
to the cookout (Joyce loaned her vehicle out, at the last minute, to
Linda to go to Cedar Point, so I had to walk all of the stuff I was
brining in a big suitcase, that I usually use on my trips on NC.)
mini-cheesecakes along with Red (cherries), White (whipped creme)
and Blue (blueberry) topping |
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| Though people were invited
for the ribs at 4pm, when no one had arrived well after 5pm, Joyce
and I took everything off the grill and stove, sat down and fixed
ourselves heaping platefuls of the food. MMMM Boy was it all good! |
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| Thankfully, by the time we
were we half finished with our meal, guests finally began to arrive
for Joyce's cookout. Angie dropped Becca and her friend off, before
heading back out to return with Richard and Ritchie. John showed up
in the middle of all that activity making eight people finally. It
was good seeing Richard home again even if it was just a weekend of
from his trucking job. |
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| After these last couple of
cookouts, when my guests almost didn't eat and now when Joyce's
guests almost didn't show up, I've decided that any more cookouts I
do I think I'll just be doing for myself this Summer. They may be
small, sad affairs; but at least I won't be disappointed by my
expectations of large groups having a good time. |
Last month, Joxer
got a spot in the limelight, so this week Aries is the
star.
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| Aries didn't do
anything spectacular, except what his brothers (and all
the other cockers previously) have all done for me -
made me laugh.
My doggies have always been the constant through my life
and have given m so much love and happiness. |
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| The Yard - Week One |
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We've had some rainy days and some cooler days lately,
so I haven't done much out in the yards lately. Though
the cosmos haven't bloomed yet, the grass is growing
(and needs to be mowed about once a week), and so are
the morning glories. |
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| The Garden - Week
One |
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| Here's a good
wide view of the big garden at Joyce's house. Actually
that's her red van and white house over on the left side
of the street. Mike G's house is this beige brick one
directly across the street from Joyce's house, and
that's where the garden actually resides. |
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| MouseOver to see
Joyce's House |
| Joyce watches from the steps
as I take pictures |
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| So far everything
is growing pretty well in the garden. Many of the plants
have blooms and the starts to tomatoes, cuckes, beans,
and peppers. |
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| See! I told you
that I had a pretty good update to give you after having
been so late with any updates last month.
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| Ten Months Later |
I've waited for months to see this
happen; but I've also gone out of my way for months to not see
anything.
Though I don't get the option to drive much anymore, the few times
that I have been able to use Joyce's van, I have tried NOT to drive
past Jim's old house. Although I couldn't have done anything
different, "losing" Jim's house still deeply troubles my psyche. A
few select times (the last being a year after Jim's death, on May
1st), I have driven by the house during the past year. Each time, it was still
abandoned and still sitting empty with the grass knee-high and that
fallen tree from this past Winter still lying in the yard. |
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However, I borrowed the van so
John and I could run errands when our monthly disability checks
arrived in the mail just before the holiday. As I was already thinking about how Jim and
usually spent the 4th, I gave in to my curiosity and drove past
Jim's old house that I left just ten months ago. A gamut of emotions
ran
through me as I saw that the old tree was gone, the grass had been
mowed and there was a partially filled dumpster parked in the
driveway. So now the house is someone else's. |
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Week Two: |
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| Summer Yard
Work |
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MouseOver shadow-mIkIE
CloseUp |
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| Some of the work that I've
put into the yard is beginning to pay off. While the morning glories
are growing and blooming out back, some of the cosmos are finally
beginning to bloom in the front yard. Although I'm happy to
see the flowers, cosmos plants themselves are still not doing all
that well. I think the biggest problem is that I planted them too
close and too far under the dogwood tree. Cosmos are supposed to be
pretty hearty and able to grow most anywhere in the worse kind of
conditions. I think the seeds that I have that came from the patch
at my old 14th St. house and from lining both sides of the driveway
at Jim's house have just been too pampered.
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| The first Cosmos bloom |
Soon-to-be Cosmos |
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| I've been working on
another project in the yard around the house; but it definitely been
taking some time. Many years ago there
had been shrubs not only in front of the house but also down each
side. I know this because of the stumps left behind.
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Since building the back porch and
setting up the fence, I hadn't done much else on that side of the
house. As Spring came on those I watched the "weeds" that grew up
between the rocks. For a while I thought perhaps this was a plant
similar to the "Asiatic day flowers" that were growing behind the
shrubs of my old 14th St. house (which remember is only just a
little over a block away from my current house); but no such luck.
These were just ugly weeds - and they seemed to be attracting flies.
ICK! |
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The stump removal project started on the
driveway side of the house. When I first moved in last September
there was just a lot of grass and weeds growing along side of the
house. It wasn't until Winter was arriving when those weeds, which
the dogs had been trampling on, were dying out, that I found out the
area was actually covered in red lava rocks. I knew the doggies
wouldn't be able to continue walking on those rocks and that's when
I built the back porch and then put up the fencing around the yard.
MouseOver to see a CloseUp of the
Driveway side of the House |
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I think at some point in
recent time, my house and the other. with which we share the drive
.must have been owned by the same person or company. Along the
driveway side of both houses, the slim wedge of both properties had
been covered up in the same red lava rocks. I'm sure it looked good
for a while; but over the years, with no care, the rocks just look
"messy" now. The neighbors walk through the rocks on their side and
kick/knock them into the drive. If you looked closely in the MouseOver
CloseUp above, you can see how the rocks have been driven over by their
cars and pulverized into bits and dust. Needless to say their side
of the driveway looks terrible. |
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After working for nearly a week, I removed all the lava rocks (they
are in a big pile by the back porch for the time being), removed the
weeds, cut and pulled out 5 stumps, and leveled the soil. I haven't
decided exactly what I'm going to do yet with the sections of
ground; but I'll think of something.
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| But wait...
there are MORE stumps! |
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| I planted the cosmos
between the stumps that were left along the front side of the house,
so I've left them alone this summer. (WooHoo! I already have a Fall
Project lined up then - to remove the remaining 5 or 6 stumps) |
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| Neither of these
stumps (one in the front of the house, one on the side of the house
and both under the dogwood tree) were close enough to the cosmos, so
I worked on them too. Each one is easily the size of a
large pumpkin (maybe twice the size of my head - let the jokes begin
for that line ROFL)
and are being quite obstinate in their removal. |
| As you can see (if you MouseOver this
picture to the right), you can see how the stumps have several roots
branching off. Slowly but surely, I dug and uncovered those roots
until I could cut them with the tree branch clippers (a tool of
Jim's that I always coveted and now own). All I'm trying to do is
remove "enough" of these stumps so that I can freely mow the yard
without worry. |
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I haven't worked much out back for a while because either it's been
too rainy or because I was working on the stumps or over in Joyce's
garden. During all that time, slowly the weeds have been growing
back up between the bricks of the driveway. Of course, I had already
removed most of the dirt that had been covering the bricks, so it
wasn't too hard to just pluck and pull the weeds out. Let me
re-phrase that - it wasn't hard but it was time consuming.
 It
took several hours to re-clear about halfway down the hill. |
Another
Trip to the Park
(which would become our last park outing!!) |
| When it has been sunny,
the days have been pretty pleasant, even if they have been just a
bit too mild for summer. It's sure made it easier for me biking
around town, to not have to struggle in some ungodly heat wave.
So on one of these pleasant days, Joyce and I got out for another
trip to the park. |
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| I've walked up the steps
of the McKinley Monument several times; but on my bike rides through
the park, I just circle through the driveway twice, rather than
riding up those bumpy steps.
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| Can you tell what's
different in these pictures compared to our other pictures from the
park? |
Look real closely! |
What don't you see?
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| There are no ducks! Joyce
has called the Parks and Rec Dept. several times because the ponds
have been so filled with Canadian Geese and so much goose poop all
over the park. They told her that they would be doing something
about the problem soon, and they have. They transported all the
geese elsewhere. WooHoo! |
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There I am biking on the other side of
the pond.
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But I'm hard to find in
these two photos.
(Or Joyce was just taking pictures of the poles in the park.
) |
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Ah! There I am.
All shirtless, tanned and sexy. |
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| While at the park, I never
realized that this would be the last time that Joyce and I would go
to the park together. The rest of that story is below. |
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Week Three: |
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Things aren't so good on
the home front right now.
After months of trying to get John and Joyce to realize that I would
rather NOT play WOW and after months of trying to get Joyce to talk
about something else rather than how much she hates Cliff, things
have gone all wrong. Many of you already know about these issues
because I had spoken to you before I finally wrote about them in my
blogs of April and May. Unfortunately, months later Joyce, John,
Jodi and Linda have finally read those entries and to say that they
are not happy is a HUGE understatement. In actuality, they are all
quite upset and mad
 ,
and I'm beginning to think that they will never try to work through
these issues with me at all |
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| A quick FYI to explain something: |
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This
is MY blog. It's about ME and it's about MY life. John is NOT my
boyfriend, lover or partner, so this blog is not about John - except
for how he is my friend and roommate. (I spoke with
him and he led me to believe that he understands this position.) When speaking
to people in person, I always try to say "our" house
as I
didn't want John to think that I didn't appreciate him paying his
half of the rent and bills. However, as Randy is dead and Jim
is dead, there
are no more "WE", "US" or "OUR" pronouns in my life, so I do not use those words on this blog.
Anyone reading my blog, or caring about me, should understand this
position as I've talked about it several times when I've discussed
how much the loss of Jim has affected me. John is more than
welcome to start up his own blog and talk about HIS life and HIS
house.
This blog is about ME and MY life. As, I said, I have already explained this to John
and hope/thought that he understood. Now I can say that I've
explained it to all of you too, and should never have to be
asininely berated for writing about myself on my own blog.
(Yes, it's about the dogz too; but they are a BIG part of my life,
like my partners were, so of course that means that they are
included in my monthly updates.) |
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Week Four: |
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| Out in the
Back Yard |
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| The morning glory vines
are growing by inches every day, wrapping around the strings,
fencing, and poles, and putting forth more and more blooms every
day. Each morning there are easily another half a dozen blooms.
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| Last week I mentioned the
weeds re-growing back down the driveway. I spent several more hours
in the sunshine (I don't have a pool after all these years, so I
have to get my vitamin D doing these odd jobs in my yard and the
gardens. It wasn't too hard stripping out all the weeds; but it did
take a lot of time. |
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| Last Week |
This Week |
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Week Five: |
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| It's almost
like another death in my life |
| I am very sad to have to
tell you that things with my OhioFamily have deteriorated and
nothing will ever be the same. Though I didn't hit anyone, steal,
threaten, or harm anyone, most of my OhioFamily has turned against
me and cast me out. For all intents and purposes, I have lost my
OhioMom.
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| I had thought that after a
little bit of time had gone by, that at least one of them might want
to discuss these issues and try to patch things up; but it's been
nearly three weeks and there's no sign of hope of speaking with them
again. The few attempts that I have made have been met with
accusations and hateful yelling. Not only do I keep hearing through
"the grapevine" about how they are still berating me; but I've
finally heard from Jodi after all these many years - in an angry, rambling email. |
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| Hoping for and attempting
once more to reach some sort of reconciliation, I stopped in for
just a moment at Joyce's house the other day to simply drop a
birthday card to her celebrating her 70th birthday. Unfortunately, I
was not even given a chance to speak to Joyce before one of her kids
tried to cause a scene. It was never my intention to ruin Joyce's
birthday, so I quickly left after telling my antagonist that she had
had weeks to call me and discuss these issues rather than trying to
cause a fight in her mother's house and leave bad memories for
Joyce's birthday. |
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| I doubt I'll ever understand how such few words on my
blog (less than 4000 over a 2 month period - and nearly 1500 words
were about their incessant chatter about WOW as they tried to
"force" me to play) could just erase 20-plus years of actions
(puzzling, hanging out together at the pool, going to the park,
cleaning the gutters, rushing to be w/ Cliff in the hospital,
mowing their lawn, tending the garden, bringing down the Christmas
decorations, getting Joyce's counsel while Jim laid in the hospital,
going to the movies, laughing and playing cards, washing the dishes,
cleaning the house, cooking meals and a million other actions) that should have
proved my love for these people. I guess actions no longer speak
louder than words. |
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| Unfortunately, I'm having to end this
month the way I have done quite frequently - in the dumps. To me, it
has felt like Joyce died, and I haven't been able to properly grieve
(because those physically nearest to me that I would have turned to
in a time of grief over Joyce, those people are also shunning me).
It has been quite devastating to me to have lost my OhioMom. I had
been very troubled the last few months thinking that I might have ended up staying in
Ohio and watching her pass from Alzheimer's (I still believe that
something must not be "right" with her, especially since Alzheimer's
patients are known to "turn" on those closest to them.); and as I
told my real Mom, I didn't know that I wanted to stay in Ohio any
longer. Instead of leaving in time, I really WAS here long enough to
lose her - along with Jim and Randy. |
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| Of course, my other two Moms have
stepped up to the plate and both have been a great comfort. My mom
has been on the phone with me quite a bit, listening to me rant some
and looking for solutions some. My mom-in-law, Carolynn, drove over
from Salem and took me to her house for the day to get me outta my
house some. Many of
my other friends have been a lot of support for me too. However, I've actually been disturbed to find out how many people have a
rather low opinion of Joyce . It seems I was spared from
seeing much of her self-centeredness during all these years, while
others caught the brunt of it long ago, and now kept Joyce at a
distance. (Why even when I went and got my hair cut recently, the
stylist and another patron in the shop had tales of tell me of how
rude Joyce can be.
Both people even told me, without any request on my part, how Joyce
had talked to them incessantly about WOW.) |
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| One friend explained the situation
pretty well by pointing out how the dynamics of my friendships have
changed and that was the underlying problem. She believes that now there is no longer the driving force
of the "Jim & mikie" dynamic (which was actually in force for most
of these years, even the ones in which I considered myself
"single"), and that there is less of the "mikie" dynamic in the mix
anymore, so the natural self-centeredness of these people is finally
noticeable by me. Since they don't have to be "good" for Jim and me
or follow-up on our suggestions,
they are less "accommodating" toward being nice to my feelings,
comments and suggestions. |
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| I just never paid
attention to how many people have such a "tenuous" relationship with
Joyce and her clan. (You know, now that I have thought about it, I
can remember defending Joyce - her attitudes and opinions - to Jim
numerous times through the years. He often "put up" with her because
of how I felt towards her.) However, I think the truth falls
somewhere in the middle of this situation.
Joyce and John are probably not as self-centered as those they have
pushed away believe; but they are probably not as nice and sweet
either as I have thought all these years. |
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| Regardless of how things
got to this point, the end of a friendship is very sad. One can
never have "too many" friends and losing one, especially one that
lasted as long as mine did with Joyce, makes for a very sad
announcement. |
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| Another Sad
Ending to Another Month |
In a different place and
time, in my last update there would have also been pictures from Pooltag Four along
with the celebration of Jim's 53rd birthday on July 29th. Of course,
I would be remiss to not point out that in even a more different time
and place, we would have celebrated Randy's 46th birthday back on
July 9th..
Instead I visited the grave where I laid both of my men to rest. |
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