leatherman's log  
April April 2009
Week One |   Week Two |   Week Three |   Week Four |   Week Five

Week One:
There's no update for April yet, and that's no April Fool's Joke!
To read my latest update, please click here to go back to March, Week #3

 
Goodness me! It's already the 20th of the month and that notice above has been the only thing on my blog all month. Sorry about that. I have been very remiss in replying to so many emails lately and in updating my blog because I've just been out-of-sorts most of the past month or so. Remembering back to the events of last year has been very troubling for me, as you can imagine. Besides that,  April has just been an unusually boring month. It's nearly over and not much of anything has happened.
 
Don't get me wrong. Things have been happening, just nothing out of the normal. I've been going about my daily activities and visits to my friends, and probably done enough cleaning to make John wonder just how bad I must have OCD.     I'm not complaining though about the boredom. I've always said that with the things that have already happened in my life, I like the times when nothing happens.
 
So, better late than never, and not much about not much,
here  is my first update for April.

Week Two:
I had my yearly review for the Ohio Dpt. of Jobs and Human Services and boy, how their procedures have changed in these tougher time. (And when haven't times been tough in Ohio for the last 20 yrs? The rest of the nation is just now catching up to realizing how damaging it has been to have most of our manufacturing move overseas.) To reduce the gas consumption that is generated by people coming in to the dept for an interview, the interviews are now done over the phone.
 
About two weeks before the scheduled phone call, I received a packet telling me what information I needed to mail in before the interview. Of course, I had to mail in all sorts of paperwork since my situation is still fairly new here at the new house. Plus my Social Security money did just go back up to it's normal level, so that meant a change in my situation. In the long run though, that increase didn't really make a difference. I'm still very poor, and very below the poverty line, so I still classify for the all assistance that I've been receiving. This review did work some kinks out of the system too, and my food stamp allowance is also going back up to the correct level. For some reason, the amount had been drastically reduced when I moved to the new place even though all my costs of living had gone up by moving into the new house. Doh! That's the government for you. LOL But they came through and things are back to normal again.
 
And I am still able to get the HIV meds every month that I need to stay alive.
I can never forget to mention that!
 
Easter was a feast of food at Joyce's house once again. I ate till I was stuffed and couldn't move. It must have been an hour before I could begin to try any of the five desserts that Linda brought to go with the meal. But, in the end I had a piece of everything.

All the recent re-arranging, painting, yard work and housework that I've done over the past couple of weeks has partially helped by distracting my mind; but mostly, it just made me realize how old I feel now that I'm 47.
 
Or maybe I'm just feeling some of the toll of the damage that has been building up during the years I have been taking HIV meds. Or maybe it's just the HIV itself. It's hard to say; but I do know that within the last two months or so, I have begun to have more and more issues with nearly all the joints in my body. Not only do they ache a bunch more; but every time I move something seems to be cracking or popping - and that surely can't be a good thing. Why just the other night when I squatted down to open the bottom dresser drawer, both the cat and I heard a crinkly, crackly noise and thought I had a handful of mints in my pockets. She really likes batting the individually-wrapped candies around on the floor and was hoping I had some wrapped candy; but instead it turns out I didn't have anything in my pockets. It seems the sound was actually coming from inside my legs as I bent them squatting down and standing back up. My legs make that noise every time now, and I know that wasn't happening just a few weeks ago when I celebrated my birthday. Add to that the recent problems with my feet (peripheral neuropathy sensations of burning/numbness), and I'm starting to fall apart just a few years shy of turning 50.  But I figure I'll hold together for a while yet, so I'll be sure to talk to my doctor about all these things when I see him in the middle of next month.

Week Three:
For the most part, it's been a dreary April, although the month hasn't without a few nice days. Matter of fact, the temps have been so  decent (50s-60s) for most of the month, that we have to say that Spring really is here in Ohio now. Of course, being Spring, it's time for all of us Ohioans who have been cooped up in our houses for the months and months of Winter to finally come outside and breath some fresh air.
 
And for Joyce and I, these nice days mean trips to the park.
   
   
   
Joyce took this beautiful shot of the park with a bird in flight.
 
MouseOver to see Joyce giving her 3-yr old knees a good workout walking around the lake

Where's leatherman?
Just like "Where's Waldo?", if you can find me in these pictures,
MouseOver me for a CloseUp
   
With the better weather, I've already been riding my bike up to and back from Joyce's house. I don't know if I have enough "oomph" in my yet to bike all the way to the park and then to bike around the park, so I packed my bike up into DO's van so I would have it to bike around the paths and tracks in the park.
   

Make Love, Not WarCraft*
*(title stolen from a SouthPark episode)
 
Even though not much has happened, unfortunately that doesn't mean that nothing slightly troublesome hasn't happened either. Along with the dreary weather, I had to deal with the issue of "gaming addiction". Not my addiction; but the addiction of my housemate and his friends.
   
Although I have no doubt that World of Warcraft (WOW) is a fine game (it's the visuals of the dungeon and dragons game that I played when I was in college), I have had and still have no intentions of playing the game. Personally, I've already played plenty of RPG games and never really liked that style. I'm much more of a side-scrolling puzzle-solving gamer. However my roomie John has been playing WOW (along with his mom, Joyce, his uncle, and his sister Jodi (who used to be my roomie a long time ago). While I'm happy that Joyce and John have been having fun with their game and playing with their family members, the game has become quite a bone of contention between them and the people around them.
 
Unfortunately, around here, with John and Joyce living so close to one another, they frequently talk about WOW. I say "unfortunately" because WOW is nearly all that the two of them will talk about anymore! Not only that; but with Ventrilo (a voice chat program) on in both houses, everyone around John and Joyce are subjected to hearing nearly a 24/7 running conversation about WOW. It's all quite odd how this game has intruded into our lives so much between the two houses. But then again, I always thought there was something intrinsically wrong with a game that runs 24/7 with no discernable end and no pause button) So much focus on this game has put all the people surrounding John and Joyce on the defensive, and angry words and hurt feelings are beginning to fly. People are literally staying away or leaving to NOT have to hear about this game anymore.
 
While actually not for a selfish reason, though it does help me, I refuse to play this game to NOT enable my housemate in his gaming addiction. Of course, as a long-time computer user, I myself have spent years defending the amount of time that I spend on the computer. John, however, literally spends a very unhealthy amount of time on his computer doing nothing but playing WOW. He averages 14-16 hours a day, leaving his chair only 2-4 times, to handle the barest bodily functions. I have seen John literally not eat for two days because of the game. I've seen him not move from his chair for over 8 hours at time (there are studies about blood clots and death from remaining in a seated position for too long, along with ergonomic studies that explain how unhealthy it is to remain at your computer for even half the time that your brother does). I have always believed in the principal that "I AM my brother's keeper" so I would feel obligated to worry about John's well-being, even without the selfish reason of ensuring that my housemate is still alive to pay his share of the bills.
 
With John on WOW so much of his life, it's like I'm living in the house nearly alone. Just me and the dogs ... and John's cat. I had hoped to save a friend by pulling John out of the reclusiveness and depression that he lived in the last three years in that horrible one-room place until his disability came through. It's sad seeing that he has this decent-sized house and a yard, only blocks from his mom, and yet hardly showers, lives in his robe and pajamas for days on end, barely eats, and stays huddled over WOW to the detriment of his own health. Just as John was moving towards living a less isolated life, WOW jerked him back into the closet of reclusiveness and slammed the door. I couldn't help Sean and had to kick him out. I worry that I won't be able to help John and eventually I'll have change my life again with another move when/if John's health/life falls apart.
 
Quite bluntly too, I have been appalled to hear how John, Vance and Jodi speak to one another during game play. If anyone had ever spoken that way to me during Zelda or Diddy Kong, I would have quit playing and never played with that person again. Much less the way the group has spoken to Joyce.  At times it's downright hateful, and at other times, simply stupid. Games are not second nature nor are gaming skills learned responses for people of her generation, so how much do they expect from a 69-yr old for heavens sake!
 
Then there is another issue with this game, besides the fact it can't be paused, and that is that it costs money to continue playing. Even though my monthly disability amount has increased, my finances are still cut so close that I don't have any extra money to support a gaming habit. And quite frankly, if someone would even offer to pay my monthly fee, I would instead ask that they contribute that money to groceries for my house since John doesn't receive any food stamps and barely contributes $50 each month to food supplies. Or that money could pay the cable bill (which must be paid before the WOW payment) which supplies BOTH John and I with entertainment. Or the reigningpages.com yearly domain fees. Or even John's medical spend down amount so he can see a dentist.
 
Finally, as if the hateful words to other players, enabling John's addiction and hurting his health, listening to endless hours of discussion about nothing but WOW, and just disliking that style of game anyway, weren't enough, frankly I have a few personal reasons for not wanting to play WOW.
 
First, why would I want to play with any of these people anyway? I have "unresolved issues" with my lazy, inconsiderate housemate - starting clear back to when he was hardly any help moving into this house. (I wrote all about that in my blog last Sept) I've already had to explain to him that he will have to make his own eating arrangements since he makes no effort to jointly prepare meals. I've also explained that I make my own travel arrangements now. (Without Jim's car, I've now been officially without wheels for the first 6 months of my life since I turned 15! Sigh!) I make my own arrangement even when those travel plans are to the same location because John has NEVER ever been on time, and is consistently late by 1-2 hours!!! (WOW has only made the situation worse because he can't just pause or turn it off. Errands for the character have to be done and the character has to get someplace "safe" before logging off. When you've already been waiting a fricking hour on John, those actions add another 15-20 minutes to your wait as he "shuts off the game".) I sure don't live my life that unstructured; nor am I that rude to everyone I know by letting my tardiness infringe on their lives and plans. Everyone else in your family, except your loving mom "the enabler", has already given up on expecting John's attendance at any event or planning activities with him because of how inconsiderate he is.
 
I barely know Joyce's brother, so there's no motivation there. Jodi has never called, emailed, or IMed me since she moved out of my house all those years ago, so there's no great bond for me to play with her. I wrote her a long email, semi-quoted here for the most part; but it's been nearly a week and she hasn't ever replied. And frankly, Joyce and I have been best friends for 23 years and have always found ways to keep occupied through more than two decades, so this game is not something we need to do together either. Matter of fact, right now this game is interfering in our friendship, so that's a perfect reason for me not to take up this game.
 
Finally, closing with my last personal reason, after losing Jim less than a year ago everything about my life and attitude has changed. I have no partner and am not obligated to help out any one. Of course, I'm always there for my friends; but I also think that those who would call themselves my friends also have an obligation to be a friend back to me. I refuse to waste my time promoting the selfish wishes of others, nor of living their lives for them because they are too lazy and undisciplined to take care of themselves. I also have had to change to a tactic of looking out for just myself and the dogs again. It takes a lot of fortitude to be single again and shoulder all the responsibility of shelter, food, etc. Once again I'm alone, depressed, and pretty miserable. Playing games is just something that is so far off my radar of concerns right now, that I have no desire to get involved into WOW.

Back in my own Backyard

MouseOver CloseUp!
Back in my own backyard, I have my own sign that Spring is here. Though I just planted them a short time ago, a couple of the morning glories are breaking up through the soil.
I don't think you can tell that I cleared off some more of the brickwork in the bottom portion of the yard; but I really did. I'm hitting the deepest buried part and I'm having to dig up about 2 inch of soil. I see that in the future I'm going to have to have an axe out there too so I can remove a few roots. In the end,  I'm planning on using a lot of this dirt, which probably washed down the driveway from the upper part of the yard, to "patch" the upper part of the yard and fill some flower pots.
The bees are no longer buzzing in the treetop outside my computer room window, the big yellow fuzzy tuffs have all blown off or washed off in the rain showers lately, and in just the last few days hundreds of little leaves have begun to unfurl.
Seen through the trees tinged lightly-green as they begin to sprout their leaves,
a line of dark clouds brought rain and our first thunder-shower of the year.

While I've been biking around the neighborhood, in the park and doing all the yard work,
I've had a couple new CDs to listen to from two of my favorites artists.
Randy and I were the actual "pet shop boys" about the same time the musical Pet Shop Boys came onto the scene. Years later they are still making the music that makes me dance.
Of course my all time favorite artist is the Prince. His latest musical offering comes as a 3-disc package. The first two discs are actual Prince CDs, while the third disc is from one of his protégés. Though his music has changed quite a bit over the years, there's still a ton of funk in the Purple One and his music.
 
At the end of this month I'll mark 90 days without a cigarette.  Then at the next appt with my ID doc in the middle of May, I will have come full circle, and just after the one yr anniversary of Jim's death, I will be back to celebrating 110 days without smoking.  (that's how many days I went without smoking before everything went to hell in a hand basket)

There are days now (too many really. sigh ) when, after losing my second long-term partner, I'm quite adrift and lost; so it really means a great deal to me personally to be able to say that though everything in my life changed without any of my approval/input/consensus, I did have some small bit of control over one thing and have regained my status as an ex-smoker.

Week Four:
However all that work really didn't add up to that big of a distraction; but it did give me a break from the crying. I had been reading my blog, from last year, one entry a day starting from when Jim went into the hospital. Unfortunately, as it came up on my birthday as when we received both of Jim's diagnoses, I just couldn't take it any more. I had to quit reading those old updates and took to all that work to distract myself.
   
But it's hard not to remember all those terrible times from last year. As I sit here writing this on the morning of the 23rd, I know that it was one year ago today that I took Jim back to his home for the final time.

In just nine short days, a year will have passed since Jim took his final breaths and left.

 
Since the Spring showers moved back in the area, I had to move back inside the house and tackle those projects. After moving into my new computer room, I still had a few boxes of miscellaneous stuff to sort through, and if that's not a chore for a rainy day, then I don't know what is.  Unfortunately, unsorted boxes usually contain emotional time bombs just waiting to explode in my face.
As I sorted out notes of computer projects I have in mind, old receipts, old bills, I was disturbed to find a handful of cards. Somehow in the confusion of my life last year, a handful of "thank you" cards (to those who contributed to Jim's cremation fund) obviously got waylaid and never mailed. I feel just awful that those cards didn't get out to those people who so generously helped me last year when I didn't even have the money for Jim's final arrangements.
Trying to do the honorable thing, I added a short note about the "delay" and mailed out those cards today - nearly a year late but the sentiment is still unchanged.  It was only through the help of those people that I was able to pay enough of the bill to get Jim's ashes back and not lose him to the whims of fate and time. Hopefully, everyone that sent a contribution received (or will receive soon) their thank you card from me.

Week Five:
As Spring takes better hold of Ohio, all the plants and leaves are spewing out a ton of pollen - and everybody is sneezing! LOL I'm not certain exactly what plant pollen has caused it, but nearly everyone has also had a sinus problem (about two days worth of fatigue, stuffiness and sneezing). Thankfully, there was no fever associated with this, or I would have been wondering if we were all coming down with swine flu.
 
Things tend to change quickly once Spring arrives. Just last week, I was taking pictures of the leaves as they began to break out of their buds. In this week's pictures, I can barely see through the trees because of all the leaves. Within another two weeks, the trees should be full enough of leaves that I won't be able to see any of the neighboring houses on the street behind me. I remember, just after moving into this house last year, still having that much seclusion into early October of last year.
Just a few days ago, as John and I walked out of the house heading up to Joyce's to play cards (as we do nearly every Friday and Saturday evenings), I mentioned that I wondered when the dogwood tree would be blooming. All the other trees around are greening up; but the dogwood tree in our front still looked winter-dead. Now, as you can see in these pictures from just two days later, the dogwood has burst forth in flowers and little leaves are beginning to grow.
   
In the backyard, I have continued my project of clearing the dirt (and grass, weeds, flowers, tree roots, and a thousand shards of broken glass) off the brick driveway that runs to the back of the property. It was good to see that while I was out on Joyce's deck this past Sunday playing cards, my new neighbors were putting up a wood fence across the back of their property. That'll stop a lot of the "foot traffic" that's cut through these years over the last few years. No doubt that traffic has been the cause of all the broken glass throughout mine and the neighbor's yards.
Patio
Cleaned-off
Driveway
Neighbor's
new fence
MouseOver the list items to see the different areas in my backyard
 
Though not quite the "big backyard" that they used to play in at Jim's, the doggies don't mind being out with me in this yard, which is probably twice the size of their old yard just around the corner on 14th Street.
MouseOver to see which doggie
is watching me from the porch
A Hot Dog
during our mini Spring heat-wave
 
Here's another picture to show how fast Spring is coming along. Just a week ago there was only one baby little morning glory plant that had peeked up through the dirt. A week later, little plants are springing up all over,  ready to start their climb up the fence.

I still haven't seen any of the hollyhocks that I planted out in front of the front porch nor any planted at the very back of the property; but it's still early.

While the weather was still nice, of course, Joyce and I made another afternoon trip to the park for a few hours.
The weather was truly beautiful and the park was pretty full, as it had been the whole weekend. It's always interesting to bike up to the upper portion of the park and see all the out-of-state visitors (all 2 of them LOL) coming to visit the McKinley Museum and President McKinley's Memorial.
At the other end of the park (near the Football Hall of Fame), Joyce, Rosita and I saw some of the newest residents in the park - a dozen fluffy, cheeping little ducklings.

While sitting out on Joyce's deck this past Sunday, playing cards and enjoying a beautiful weekend of Summer-like weather, I had an epiphany of sorts. Although I've adapted somewhat to Jim having been gone for almost a full year, things still haven't settled down into the "pattern of my life after Jim". I realized that this upcoming summer will be the first summer in nearly 20 years that I haven't spent at least part of the hot days lying out by Jim's pool. Though that doesn't sound like that big of a deal, it does mean a huge shift in the way I'll be living through this Summer (and all the summers to come from now on). I spent so much of last Summer trying to cope with losing Jim, the fears and worries about the house and the car, the effort at trying to get the pool cleaned up, and just trying to keep life from changing, that I didn't have the chance to really learn what it was like to live a Summer without my best friend of the last 20 years. Without a pool, I won't be in the sun, or even outside, half of the normal time that I have been outside in the previous 20 summers. Without Jim there'll be fewer projects to do and probably not many more mystery trips or adventures. No matter what, after living twenty-three years in Ohio to be living here this Summer without Jim, without the pool, and without a car, things will be radically different from the life I've come to know.
Looking back through my blog, I found the first pictures and stories of the pool started in July, 2001. Although I had been swimming in Jim's pool for years before that (probably as early as 1991), that summer was the first one after my years of pneumonia when I felt good enough to enjoy the pool again.  In August of 2001, I helped Jim lay down a cement floor on the patio.
I think this picture looks so odd without the wall of bamboo outside the screened-in patio. We didn't plant any bamboo until a few years later.
   

Closing out the month, I went today and had blood work done. Though I don't think these numbers will be much changed from the last tests - and in reality, that will be very good news - I still have to wonder why my counts have stayed okay, why I have been feeling better (instead of throwing up 6-8 times a month, I have only thrown up four times in the last four months!), and why I can still feel this way when this disease has already taken Randy and Jim from me. I have to wonder if maybe my counts will go bad later this summer by not spending as much time in the sun as I have in the years passed. Though I'm not really worried about the results that I'll get back when I see my doctor next (on May 13th), and though I sure shouldn't be worried if I'm expecting good or steady results, having these tests done always causes me to, maybe not "worry" but at least a pause to think about my situation.
 
Right now, I'm not surprised to be having some of these "doubts" and concerns about "why" I'm still here and what to make of my future. All of my thoughts right now, even when of myself, reflect back my thoughts of Jim. As we approach the year anniversary of his death, most of my thoughts center around Jim. my love for him, how glad I was for his suffering to have to ended, and yet how very much I still miss him.
This weekend Joyce, Mike P and I have plans to go visit the grave in North Lima, to pay our respects to Jim and to Randy.

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leatherman
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