leatherman's log  
May May 2009
Week One |   Week Two |   Week Three |   Week Four |   Week Five
Week One:
James Arthur Pollnow
July 25, 1956 - May 1, 2008

If you haven't gotten a chance, please read through my memorial page to Jim to learn more about him and his life.
Thank you, those of you who called, emailed or sent cards. I know that it wasn't just me that was touched by Jim's life.
   
It's May again and I am faced with a task I would rather not do; but instead I do it as part of the ritual of remembering those who have passed on. For some time after Randy passed away, and while I had a vehicle, I frequently returned to Randy's grave to put out a new floral arrangement. In part, these flowers were not about me but about my desire to have Randy still recognized and remembered. The other part was about me and how I was dealing with my grief. Though I loved him no less, as the years have gone by, my visits to Randy's grave decreased. Instead of every few months, I have averaged just a couple visits a year for the last few years.
Without a vehicle I have only been able to visit Randy's grave once since I held the Memorial Service and left Jim there a year ago. The few times over this last year when I was able to borrow Joyce's van to make a trip to visit Carolynn (Randy's mom), I did not have the extra time to go over to the cemetery. But I have still been able to spend the extra time and thought about Jim throughout this year when I have reflected on the urn in the living room which holds a small amount of Jim's ashes.
MouseOver
   
Of course, now that it's May, I have the death of two partners to commemorate, and it was time to arrange for another personal trip to the cemetery. Several close friends had not been able to attend Jim's Memorial, and wanted to be companions on this sad anniversary. Last year, while I was giving my eulogy, Carolynn was in the hospital about to undergo a second back surgery and Jim's and mine dear friend, Mike P, was out-of-town. On this past fairly sunny Sunday afternoon, I drove Joyce, Mike, and myself over to North Lima where we met up with Carolynn at the cemetery.
The area with the grave has changed quiet a bit over the years. When we laid Randy to rest there 15 years ago, there were no other headstones around. The area frequently flooded those first few years, and the grave always seemed to need "just a few more inches" of dirt to fill in the hole.

Now, the ground has leveled out, grass has grown, and more graves has filled up the empty spaces. Through those years, there was every a small tree planted at the neighboring grave that grew to be a couple feet tall before it was removed.
Ah, but that's all just the small talk. While I was just writing about the terrain, and while Carolynn was chatting at the gravesite, all I could really think about was about how this is place where I have left the two men I loved the most.
mIkIE uses his camera, and the mirror at the bottom of the staircase, to get some pix of himself
A Project - Digging a Garden
Joyce and her neighbor across the street planted their own vegetable garden last year. Since I got to partake of some of their produce (mmm that means I had a lot of BLTs for lunch last year. LOL), I wanted to help them out with the garden this year, so they have a bigger and better harvest.
   
With the help of our good friend Mike P, whom we call on for all big projects, he and I tore up more of the yard nearly tripling the size of the garden. There's still a lot of work to do since we weren't able to make arrangements for a roto-tiller. But we'll continue to turn the soil a couple more times and finish removing as much grass as possible over the next few days, and then be ready to plant up a whole field of veggies!
MouseOver to see the original area
 
Unfortunately, I paid for my good deed. After all that digging, I rode my bike home. I feel a little achey; but not so bad that I didn't hesitate to mow my hilly lawn before finally calling an end to my yard-working day. I believed that after rinsing off the dirt and grass, and then taking a nice soak in a hot tub, I'd be go to good. Unfortunately, by the time I was cleaned, dried and trying to get dressed, it was all I could do to keep from hollering! LOL Ouch! It seems all that shoveling I did was tooo much for my 47-yr old back muscles.
Another Project - Finding a Driveway
After taking a day off and resting my back, I was getting too much cabin-fever, and had to head back outside the following day. I behaved though and only stayed out for a while, as I sat down on my butt and began to clear off the top section of the driveway.

Take note of the white U-shaped pole down at the bottom of the drive, near the tree and fence.
This following picture was taken from where that U-shaped pole lies (you can see one end of it near the bottom left of this pix) and looks back up across my yard. I think this picture probably best shows how the yard is in three levels.
Click on the picture to see a larger version, in which you can easily see Joxer in the yard and Aries and Zeus up on the back porch
Yet Another Project - Planning a Water Feature
What I've really been thinking about lately while doing my yard work, has been what I want and need to do to put a fountain and pond into my yard.
Diagram for Proposed Backyard Improvement
Hide features Show all features Show waterfall / pool Show walkway
(MouseOver to View)
   
Believe it or not, there's a poor bedraggled azalea bush in the mess on the hillside. At some point, as I clean up the hillside, I'll have to make a decision on which trees and bushes to keep and to take out. I'll have to see how the bush does over the next couple of weeks (and I'll need to read up on azaleas, praise be to Google LOL) before I know what to do with this plant.
Last month, I got pix of Aries on the porch.
This time it's a pix of Zeus and Joxer
Where no mIkIE has gone before
Though I went with mixed feelings, I saw the new Trek movie last night. Oh, I didn't have mixed feelings that I wouldn't like the movie. In fact I was quite excited to see it. I've been a trekkie since I was only 6 and called it "tar twek".


I had only read limited hype about it, but knew (as always ) it would include some time-travel. I wasn't certain at first if I much liked the photography style; but as the movie moved along, it kept me on the edge of my seat. By the end, I have to say that I really liked this movie. It's definitely no longer the Trek of the past.
However, I had the mixed feelings about seeing the movie for personal reasons. I think I chose a good method to handle the situation and am glad to say that I very nearly even "enjoyed" the movie.
 
Maybe it's just my "comeuppance" for living with this illness for so long ; but there seems to be too many times when things that ought to be "fun" just aren't. Matter of fact, anything and everything isn't so much fun anymore because it all comes with a bite of sadness. Don't worry though, I think I do well because I don't dwell on those moments of sadness; but there's no escaping the momentary sting when the bite comes.
 
Though we were both Trek fans, my Jim was a HUGE trek fan. We did the Trek costume thing at Halloween. Denise Crosby interviewed Jim in the movie "Trekkies" (as you see Jim even had a trek uniform!), and we built an NCC-1701 float for one of our Pooltag events.
Just 13 months ago, staying alive to see this movie was one of the many reasons I offered up as encouragement, hoping Jim would make it through those horrible days in the hospital. It still saddens me that I had to sell off and/or leave behind so much of his Star Trek memorabilia collection when I had to abandon the house.
 
When the trailer for this Trek movie first started coming out a couple months ago, my OhioBrother Richard (who has probably been one of my best friends through nearly all the years that I had with both Randy and Jim) emailed me from the road (he's a trucker) to make arrangements to see this. He already figured I'd have mixed feelings, but still would want to go see this movie - especially since it would hit the theaters in May - the month I'm commemorating the first year without Jim, and the 15th without Randy. It seemed appropriate that the same friend who took me to the amusement park the year after Randy passed away, would also be the one to go the Trek movie with me the year after Jim passed away.
 
I wish I could really "enjoy" movies - and birthdays and Christmases and etc.; but dammit, after having two loves taken from me, there just isn't enough joy left in me to "enjoy" anything. Oh, I may do things that I like and have a nice time; but there's no real joy left in Muddville. Everything I've done in the past 15 yrs has always tinged by the knowledge that I have done those activities without Randy. Now everything is tainted because I do these things without Randy AND now without Jim. I felt this way for a long time after Randy died (until Jim turned my attitude around), so I imagine I'll be troubled by this aspect for being a "widower" for some time to come.
 
I'm sorry that my writings here tend to be a bit on the despondent side this last year. I really did much more "enjoy" those years when I got to write about happier news and adventures. But, as I learned the hard way once before, death has a way of changing everything. However, as I explained to Richard as we talked about Jim after the movie, I'm only sad, not really pessimistic. I mean I do go to bed every night expecting to wake the following morning, and expecting to feel better than I did the day before. I'm really a very optimistic guy. That fact just gets hidden behind me being a "worrier" - but I worry for good reasons.
Just look at what's happened in the 11 years of this blog! (More about that later on! Keep reading!)
   
The problem with my life is that the absence of Randy and Jim has left holes in my life, and in many of the other lives that were touched by my two men. In my life, the holes that have been left behind are huge craters. As hard as it's been, I've been trying to climb out of those holes and have done pretty well. It's just easy to lose my balance and slip back over the edge and down into holes that big though.
Week Two:
WOW Update
It's been a month since I posted about my issues with the World of Warcraft game, so it's time for a quick update. First, I want to publicly thank Joyce for cutting her chatter about the game down to a normal level. After the day last month when I blew up about this whole issue, Joyce actually didn't say anything about WOW for two whole blessed days. Now she talks about the game in general terms with her friends who are not playing the game, and saves all that boring game strategy talk for when she and John spend time together.
 
 Even though I wrote an email to Jodi, I surmised correctly that she still hasn't even read it. Periodically, John relays the message that Jodi is "waiting" for me to log on and play the game. What a friend she is, huh? Six weeks* later and she still hasn't read my emails or IMs. Everyone else that knows me, knows they can check here, in my blog, to see what I'm up or what's on my mind. It doesn't look like she even reads this blog either.
 
But I'm all over that nonsense now. I just wanted you to know that the crazy people were still trying to get me to play their damned game; but they were trying it less and not as stridently anymore. WooHoo!
An Issue in the House
*Speaking of "six weeks", that's the same amount of time since I told my housemate that he was eligible for food stamps and that he hasn't done anything about it. Problem with all that is that is means that, just like when Sean was in the house, Michael, the poor guy on disability, is "supplying" food to someone who should be supplying their own.
 
And this did become even more MY problem when I received NO food stamps benefits this month. It seems the nice people at Human Services were holding my case "open/pending" so that when John applied they could easily access the utility bills and payments. I got my case out of pending and got my benefits.
 
However, rather than apply for his benefits, John continued to put off going to Human Services. Finally (after badgering his mom into a ride downtown), when he did decide to turn in the application , he did it too late in the afternoon (after 2pm) to have a personal interview which would have provided him food stamps within 48 hours. Now he will have to wait for a packet in which to return his utilities bill and payments, etc before his phone interview.
 
Adding insult to injury, with at least two weeks before he'll finally end up receiving his own food stamp benefits, John suggested tonight that I could walk to the grocery, swipe MY food card, and purchase US dinner. Dream on, dumb ass! ROFL
 
Now I just need to figure out how to hide my food so he doesn't eat it
at 3 o'clock in the morning, while he's playing WOW and I'm sleeping.
Weird Day of Good News
Here I am in the middle of the month and boy what a weird day it was.
   
I had made arrangements to use my OhioMom's van for a few hours to handle paying the monthly bills and for a trip to the doctor. When I stopped by the bank in the middle of these errands, I was surprised when the teller wished me a Happy Birthday. I thought that was odd considering my bday was about a month and a half ago. Thinking about it, the teller quickly realized that since my account was a business account (for ReigningPages and the ComputerTutor) the computer was actually flagging the anniversary of when the account was opened.
 
That would make sense. Eleven years ago, I opened up a banking account for ReigningPages (the company) and the following week I registered reigningpages.com (the domain). I would like to thank my Mom for helping me keep reigningpages.com online this year.
 
Bet you wondered where the "Save reigningpages.com" donation campaign was this year. LOL I have always tried to pay for my domain and only resorted to donations for these last few years. Between the 3-yr lowered SS check, and the events of last year, I was very thankful to have had friends who helped me stay online through those tough years. (Of courser, I'll never turn down any assistance in getting the yearly domain fee of about $125) Unfortunately, I don't have a credit card, and although networksolutions said I could pay through PayPal, it stated that my PayPal account have to be backed by a credit card. Doh! I've used Jim's credit card to resolve this issue other times; but that isn't an option anymore. I guess I'm going to really have to get a prepaid credit card to  help out in these situations; but thankfully, my Mom came to the rescue with her credit card and handled my bday present all at the same time.
Happy 11th birthday reigningpages.com
 
As I mentioned, this bank stop was on the way to the appointment with my doctor; and as usual my thoughts were a bit troubled on the way. Since my appointments have been spaced out more this past year, I knew I'd have to catch the doc up on what has happened since the first of the year. You know things like I turned 47, haven't smoked in 3 months, and have been biking again. And bad things like my recent barfing, my joint aches and pains, and the depression  of losing a partner just a year ago.
   
While I was thinking more somber thoughts and about to discuss some of my more troubling issues, the doctor had a conversation opener that stopped me in my tracks like the bank teller had done with her birthday greeting. Doctor Mark greeted me with a "happy anniversary" as it was 8 years ago this month that I became his patient.
 
Back then, about a year and a half after my second hospitalization with pneumonia and back off any meds (resistance issues and there were no more meds to try), I only had 44 t-cells and my viral load was 176,000. I switched to this doctor, who was much kinder than my previous doctor* and more willing to try the newer meds coming out in 2001 to find a combo that would work for me. (*looking back now, I see that my first doctor was having personal issues watching his AIDS patients passing away. He's now been banned from the area hospitals and is having many legal problems from his drunk-driving.) Unfortunately by May, 2003, I was back down to 69 t-cells and a viral load of 300,000. However, the doc and I finally got the right combo that didn't make me sick and was going the trick (Reyataz, Norvir, Viread, Videx EC). By May 2004, thanks to my doc's help, my adherence and the love of a good man, I reached my first undetectable viral load ever in those first 14 years of having AIDS.
 
Now, for the second time in the last 12 years, my t-cells have actually gone higher than 300. Back in Feb of 2007, they climbed to 311, before falling back into the low 200 range that has keep me on Bactrim (as a prophylaxis against PCP pneumonia) for all the years. Unbelievably, the results this time came back at a super 305! And since it's been a year since the last time I had a blip in my viral load (2500 in 4/08), I just lived my first whole year (out of the last 17) with an undetectable viral load the whole year!!
 
I had some extra good news out of this visit to see the doctor - I get to drop a med!! With my t-cells holding so stable, I don't have to take the antibiotic Bactrim anymore. Of course, that isn't the one that makes me barf, so I would have happily kept on taking it LOL (norvir is the culprit in the nausea). It'll be odd not taking this pill as it's the ONE med that I have never slacked off taking in the 11 years since I last had pneumonia. But I'm sure not complaining about losing a med - no way! I started off taking 24 pills a day, hit a high of 32, and now I'm down to only 6 a day - 2 first thing in the morning and 4 with dinner every night. WooHoo!
 
The only downside on this visit to see the doctor was my doctor himself. He seemed a bit envious of how healthy I looked and my incredibly low 146 cholesterol level. Not surprising either, as he was also looking pretty gaunt, like he had been through some sort of illness himself. I probably should have just asked if he had been ill; but I was surprised by the change in him since the first of the year. I sure hope he's doing okay. I've already outlived two partners, 8 cockers spaniels, and a ton of friends, I'll be very distressed, if my "quit-smoking curse" acts up and I end up outliving my doctor too.
 
There was one last odd incident, but a good one, to end the day. At the end of last season, right after I had moved to the new house, I was sure that the propane tank on the gas grill had finally run dry (going out in the middle of cooking the brats really sucked).
I had planned on taking the tank and getting it filled while out running my errands. However, when I went to lift the tank, I was surprised by how heavy the tank was! The dang thing is still full ... I think.

I grabbed some fresh ground beef and buns while I was out, and had my first cookout of the year to celebrate the good news from the doctor.
Week Three:
A tip for better grilling: don't do it in the rain.
Thankfully, my grilling habits have improved since that first cookout. See, that first cookout I did, along with the second had a big problem - rain. On both of the first two times that I tried grilling out, no sooner had I put the burgers on the grill and flipped them the first time, than some drizzle moved in. So both times I ended up covered up in a trench coat, huddled again the house, trying to stay dry until the burgers finished cooking.
 
Just like  the old saying of "third time's the charm", on my third attempt at cooking out (brats this time) all went well as the evening was hot, sunny and not a cloud in the sky. I got the brats, onions and peppers (red, green and yellow), and a pack of "cheesy taters" cooked and not a drop of rain. I'll start paying more attention to the weather forecast from now on before I try to grill out next time.
No, this lovely miniature lilac is not in my yard (lilacs make me sneeze); but this one was planted at Joyce's last year and it is it's first year to bloom. Joyce has tried to get some lilacs growing before; but something has always happened to the poor plants. This one survived being buried under quite a bit of snow that was shoveled off the driveway during the winter, and is doing very well this year. It did seem a little slow in blooming this year (a week later than the larger version); but maybe that's just it's first year jitters.
Right after we got all of Joyce's big vegetable garden planted, we had two nights with frost warnings. Most of the seed plants hadn't poked their heads up yet, so they were okay; but we worried about the tomato and pepper plant. So two evenings in a row, we covered up all the plants with newspaper, and luckily two mornings in a row there was no frost.
A Sunny Spring Park Day
After talking to a rep from the Parks Department, Joyce is happier than ever to take Rosita to the park - because Zita chasing the geese away! Several days prior to our latest park outing, Joyce had contacted the Park Dept. about the goose poop all over the park and what could be done. The Park employee explained that they knew of the problem and were working on several solutions. The wood ducks, etc might be protected water fowl; but the Canadian geese aren't. Those geese are just too many and too messy! The Canton Park Dept. is planning on posting signs prohibiting the feeding of the geese, and a possible plan of using dogs to scare off the geese.
With the low water level in the lake right now (it's been over a week since the garden has had any rain either), there was even more room for Rosita was to "patrol". Within moments she had chased some of the geese away, while the rest retreated to the middle of the pond.
By the pond in the other section of the park, a mom and pop geese couple got a chance to teach their chick-lets a valuable lesson at an early age - run away from dogs! After Rosita came running up on them, the mom got the babies into the water, while the pop stood guard and faced the fat little Chihuahua. Zita didn't want to actually hurt the fowl and held back, barking like mad though. The geese parents stood for quite some hissing and squawking back at Rosita, even after we all walked away.
Counting easily three to four dozen baby geese in the water, it's no guess that the Parks Dept. is going to have to do something to stop this "infestation" of Canadian geese before the parks are covered in poop!
 
Don't get me wrong though. The geese are only a problem nearby to the actual ponds/lakes. The rest of the park is enjoying high Spring, and greenery and lushness is filling in all the empty places from this past Winter.
This bridge doesn't really lead to too much in the park. A tiny pathway winds up the hillside through the woods and ends up in the back parking lot of the hospital. I'll have to stop some the next time I'm riding around the park and take pix of some of the other bridges throughout the parks.
Unfortunately, I have to interrupt here, part in explanation and part in sadness. Trying to live a day-to-day life after losing a partner is like negotiating a mind field of emotional landmines every day. I never know exactly what will trigger off the renewed-realization of Jim's absence; but several times a day something will trigger off a detonation. The hospital that sits just on the other side of this part of the park is Mercy Medical, not only the place where I go to have my blood work done; but that's the hospital where I was with PCP and the hospital that very nearly killed Jim.
Hopefully, we'll get some rain soon. Not only is the garden thirsty; but all the creeks are running really low throughout the parks. I've see them overflowing their banks and flooding out parts of the park; but that doesn't happen to often. These last few years have been dry and the creeks run only an inch or two of water the whole Summer.
 
Just on the other side of this portion of the park is the McKinley Monument. While it's easily seen from the park for a good part of the year, as the trees fill out and grow thicker, the monument can't be seen at all unless you're in it's section.
   
leatherman bikerman in the park
 
I'm going to have to actually think and literally plan about going shirtless a lot more this Summer to make up for the time I would have been in the sun out by the pool in previous years. Don't even talk about skin cancer. There aren't enough sunny days in Ohio for that.
And yes, I do have to have the tan. Being gay requires that I always try to look fabulous.   I still have a vague tan line left over from last year; but I'd have to strip down to some speedos to show you.
Week Four:
Update on the Yard
Slowly, but surely, throughout the month, I've been uncovering the shared driveway between the two houses.
5/05 5/07 5/23
The next step I'll probably take is to move the big pile of dirt that I've accumulated. I know of a few holes and dips in the lawn that I could use it for. I've already used some of the dirt to fill in the spots in the backyard where the other clothesline poles used to stand. Before I can finish up this whole uncovering-the-bricks projects, I'll need to get an axe. The tree down at the bottom of the drive has a few small to medium roots that haven't stayed under the bricks; but are running on top for several feet at a time. I'll need to play "Paul Bunyon" if I ever expect to clear off the whole bricked area.
Meanwhile in the front yard . . .

In a few weeks, I'll have a row of cosmos starting to bloom in front of the house - even if the row of hollyhocks that I planted, just in front of the porch, never come up.
   
In the backyard, the morning glories are growing AND beginning to wrap tendrils
around the piece of fencing I have given them to climb.
In a few months, I hope, Aries will be standing in front of a wall of morning glory vines and flowers
(near) Encounters with Wildlife
Living in a city, even a small one, you don't get to see much wildlife besides bugs and birds. Once in a while, a stray raccoon might show his masked face at night rooting through a trash can; but that's about it. However, I did have two recent encounters with some local wildlife.
   
One afternoon, as I wheeled my bike into the house after an outing in the park, the dogs seems extra antsy about going outside. (They "always" have to go outside whenever I come back into the house because they are "good boyz".) I noticed Corissa, the kitty, was peering out the back kitchen window, meowing, and a bit antsy herself. As I opened the door, the dogz tore off across the yard, straight for the back fence, barking loud enough to raise the dead. Of course, I went outside also to figure out what had my animals all excited. Standing by the fence, I heard what sounded like a large flock of birds in the tree squawking loudly.
   
Looking over the fence and down onto the back brick patio area, I saw the cause of all the uproar. A little baby bird had fallen out of a nest and was loudly cheeping. What I hadn't seen up until that point though was a neighborhood cat slinking by the retaining wall. Like a flash of the lightning, the cat streaked out, snatching up the baby bird and running off through the neighbor's yard. The tree above the boyz and the me burst into a riot of wings and screams as a flock of 20-30 swooped off after the bird-napping cat. I never saw what happened with the bird or the cat; but I imagine it was just the Circle of Life rolling along.
I got another up-close and personal glimpse of the area's wildlife when a deer dashed out in front of Joyce's van while I was driving it a few evenings ago. We have a friend (Mike P, seen hanging out in the garden in a picture in the next section below this) that visits most Sundays, who lives just over in Massillon. Several times over the last few months, I've seen deer running parallel to the road in a field we pass when I drive our friend home. Once, about a month ago, a deer actually jumped into the road; but here had been enough time for the van in front of me, and me in Joyce's van, to slow down (with only a little skidding ) and not be in an accident.
   
However, last night, just as the sun was about to finish setting, in that last dim light before night, I saw the deer step out onto the road, having been hidden in the weeds and bushes by the side of the road. What a surprise that was! Luckily I saw the deer just in time to slam on the brakes and skid to a stop without hitting it. Luckily, the deer saw the van in time to turn around and high-tail it out of there before it got hit. I think I'll be taking the main road and not this back road from now on when going back and forth to Massillon.
Gardening News
Things are coming along nicely in the big garden across the street from Joyce's house. While Joyce provided the plants and seeds, and Mike G provided the land, I've tried to do my part (so I can eventually reap some of the harvest) by providing labor. I spent several hours one afternoon rooting through the garden and de-weeding. I could only do the top half of the garden right now, as I need the plants in the bottom half to be just a little bit bigger than they are right now (just popping out of the ground) so I don't accidentally "weed" them right out of the garden.
Going nearly two weeks without any rain but two tiny showers, the ground in the garden was getting quite packed down, dried out and hardened. After I finished the weeding, I used one of my many gardening tools to break and loosen the soil (that's why the top half of the soil looks darker in the picture), so when it does rain, some of the water will soak into the ground.
Mike P looks to the sky to see if today might be the day we get some rain.
 
I'm very sorry this next section is so long without any pictures; but I really need to talk about some issues I'm having with my friends and issues that I'm having in my head.
mikie vs Insanity and Depression
Though I had hoped to have already worked hard enough this past year to bring some order and peace to my life, I find that I still have a ways to go. You know I've always said that it takes work and patience to fix things; but I really thought that by now I had done enough and had waited long enough for things to improve. No matter how well I've tried to dress up my stories from the past year or how optimistic I've tried to sound, the past year has been truly horrible. My despair and my frustration about nearly everything is near overwhelming at this point and I've just about reached my wit's end.
 
While in the prior two years, I had lost my car, lost my home on 14th and lost Gabby, in just this past year, I lost Jim, lost another car, lost another home, kicked out one roomie, lost another roomie to a gaming addiction and now my best friend and I are having "issues".  I really have no clue what to do next nor what I want to do now. I do know that I've never considered a move back to NC more than I have been thinking about it recently. (sorry, Mom. I'll get around to talking about that...eventually. LOL)
mikie vs A Few Friends
As it usually does, all this came to a head with just one simple event.
 
Earlier in the day when I left my best friend's (my OhioMom) house, I left her with one request - to contact her son (John, my housemate) to determine when they would like to play cards later in the evening. Upon returning home, I made the same request to my housemate. (Since John is NEVER on time and since I had to wait on him at Christmas for an  hour and a half, I left the time to play cards up to when John thought he would be ready) Several hours later, just as I was typing an IM to my housemate and OhioMom inquiring about the plans I had asked them to make, my OhioMom buzzed in inviting me up. When I asked if she had arranged a time with her son, she informed me that he was already at her house.
 
Needless to say I was quite shocked by this. I had been patiently waiting for my friends to do one simple thing - discuss and notify me of when they would be available to play cards. Of course, I didn't need a definite "set-in-stone" time; but a ballpark figure, so I would know when to grab some dinner - which I have to do to take my daily HIV meds. Instead, neither had bothered contacting the other about making arrangements. Unbelievably rude, my housemate had just left the house and gone on without me! To make the situation even worse, he had just walked off from our house, without even telling me, leaving the front door open.(This is an ongoing problem when at least twice previously, upon returning home from playing cards at Joyce's, I have found that John had NOT even locked the front door)
 
Such a little matter it would seem, right? However, it was one of many, from both John and Joyce, and I'm really tired of it.
mikie vs John
Of course, I've already discussed my issues with John before. I'd rather not bore you too much about him but sometimes I'm simply so flabbergasted by his actions that I have to vent about them. Although I may fuss to Joyce about forever complaining about her husband, at least Cliff as the excuse of probably Alzheimer's mixed in with the damage from a couple of strokes and oxygen-deprivation to his brain during the time he was hospitalized for 3 months, John has no such excuse. I have known quite a few bi-polar people in my life, and John is the only one that can't hold a job or handle the duties of his life - liking remembering to eat, sleeping like a human and not a nocturnal animal, or closing the front house to his house.
 
Twice in the previous two weeks, after chatting with Joyce and telling John I was going up to Joyce's house, I have arrived at his mom's house to find her gone. Both times, just after I left our house, John has called his mom and, incredible as it seems, asked for a ride to her house. I gave Joyce the benefit of the doubt both times (though how she could explain picking up John, and not me, knowing I was on the way to her house already is unknown to me). But, as in baseball, this was the third strike was John. Unfortunately when I then chose not to go on over to Joyce's to spend the evening with her and John, Joyce copped quite an attitude with me, deeming me to be the "wrong" one in this situation.
mikie vs Joyce
I really wish that Joyce had just stayed out of this incident since this was really about John's actions. However, Joyce has been enabling and coddling John for years so I shouldn't be surprised that she felt she need to jump in and "protect" her son's choices and actions - rude or otherwise. Lately, I've been on the edge of having a problem with Joyce, and this incident has tipped the scales.
 
Nearly everything I say or do gets greeted by some sort of confrontation from Joyce. I've been trying to help out around her house (like I have been doing for nearly 20 yrs); but it seems she won't let me help anymore. Whenever I've tried to vacuum, she moves from where she's been sitting and stands around, subtly getting in the way. When I tried to wash the dishes after a Sunday meal a few weeks ago, she hovered over my shoulder. Eventually I stepped away from the sink (and she quickly moved in to take my place) only to find she hadn't cleared any of the dirty dishes from the table as she had started to do when I started to do the dishes. I asked about whether the garden needed weeding the other day, and instead of a yes or no answer, she went and did it herself. (I had only wanted to know about the weeding so I knew whether I needed to take my gardening gloves.)
 
I understand that my friend Joyce is getting older; but I'm beginning to think that she's suffering from early stages of Alzheimer's. Unfortunately, I'm not really kidding about this either. Joyce has always been very smart, but a bit "flighty" and easily distracted in a conversation by whatever crosses her field of vision. However it's gotten much worse over the last two years. I know it's more of a problem because I've been gently warning her about what I see as these "early signs" and she has done little to "correct "these issues. Either Joyce is having focus problems, early stage dementia, is dumb (and she's too much of a "reader" for that to be the reason), or just plain being rude.
 
Actually it is probably rudeness that may just be the problem. She has spent so many years now living in such hatred against her husband that her attitude of "always being right and fighting to prove it" has spilled over into her relationships with the other people in her life. Others may give her the benefit of the doubt of repeating her stories several times within an hour to the same people, spouting off about subjects she doesn't know enough about, talking over or interrupting anyone else talking, or just ignoring the current topic of conversation to talk about whatever her eye and attention have currently fallen upon; but after having her confront me about John, I just haven't been able to let her slide anytime that she has continued with these rude actions. Needless to say our interactions over the past week have been pretty bitchy. I really have tried to go over several  times to work on this situation; only to have Joyce escalate the conversation to another argument.
 
I'm not really certain how the situation with Joyce is going to work out in the long run. We had a few arguments on the phone and in person; and we've decided to to not talk about quite a bit of this for the time being.
mikie vs John part 2
To top it off, after John has been a gaming addict, a "nobody" as a roommate for 6 months, and the cause of this latest uproar - suddenly, now when I'm fed up with him, now he's all "better", happy and talkative. He's even left his beloved World of Warcraft game for hours at a time. (I know, that's a totally amazing change!)
 
Too bad he didn't have this "change" sooner when I might have cared. However, I started off the first of May, living my own life with only minimal interaction with John, and I'm not really ready to "give him another chance". Why should I always be the one to compromise and make things all "happy like they were" all over again. Hmm, you'd also think that if John were this changed, that he'd be getting up before 2pm or doing the dishes after I cook dinner; but I guess the change in his life didn't include any changes in his behavior around the house. Just his statement of his change of life is enough, I guess.
 
You know what pisses me off the most about this situation with John - I knew it would kind of be like this. I just didn't think it would be this bad though. I really hadn't forgotten why I had kicked him out of my 14th street house years ago (he had lost his job, wasn't looking for another one, and couldn't even cook the food I paid for and brought into the house); but I was desperate to find shelter for me and the boyz before the bank repossessed the house and left us on the street (we don't even have a car to sleep in anymore so I can never afford to lose the roof over our heads).
 
I'm not really certain how the situation with John is going to work out in the long run. I have learned that though he is medicated now, he is much less stable than I had assumed. While he claims that he is currently going through a "depression" cycle of his bi-polar condition, reality is quite the opposite as he's obviously in a "manic" phase. I've also seen how he insular life over the last few years has led him to an inflated opinion of his ideas and viewpoints. Of course, since I have to live in the same house with him, I have tried to talk through these issues nicely or I've just done my own thing and left John to his own devices.
John vs John
While on the topic of John, I should give you an update (unfortunately this is just an update and not a resolution) about his food stamps. Over a week and a half after turning in his application, John finally got a notice for the phone interview. Of course, the phone call still won't come for until later next month (June 9th), so it will still be several weeks until John receives any food stamp assistance.
 
However, I got a bit nosey and now know that it will take even longer until John gets any assistance. While he was out I checked the paper from welfare to see when the phone interview was scheduled and saw that they have the WRONG phone listed that they will be using to call John. Of course, I tried to "fix" this problem by mentioning to John that welfare had originally had the wrong phone number for me; but without even looking at his paper, John told me that they had already "called" him and "verified" the phone number.
 
Besides not having the correct phone number for John, there's another reason he's not going to be approved for assistance when they call him. Along with the schedule for the phone interview, welfare had sent an addressed/stamped envelope along with a list of papers that John needed to send before the interview (papers like the house lease, utility bills and payments, etc). When I asked John about whether he needed that paperwork (I've had it lying out ready for him so long that I've had to update the stack of bills and payment receipts twice in the last 12 weeks), he claimed that "they already have all that information" and simply mailed back one signed form that they needed from him. What this means is that after the interview is finished on the 9th, the caseworker will mail another envelope for those requested bills, etc. which John will need to mail back. I'd say that's going to add at least another week (if not two to three depending on how soon John returns the information). With some luck (ha!) John might be able getting his stamps by the middle of June, which will be over 3 months since I told him that he was eligible.
 
Of course, if John would just follow directions (apply before 2pm for an immediate interview, send in copies of his bills, etc) he wouldn't have to be so "depressed" by his life. You'd think that someone with a bi-polar condition would have been given some counseling/instructions on basic techniques to combat depression. (Keep lists, set goals, change your venue) Or if he had really cared about himself, he could have spent some of his online time researching methods to deal with a bi-polar condition, mania, or depression instead of playing WOW until 4 in the morning. As how it often happens with most people, John is his own worst enemy.
mikie 4 mikie
(Heaven knows, not only have I gone online to learn as much about HIV as possible; but I've had to study up about depression and grief. If you think I do all my projects just because I'm bored or something, then you're very sadly mistaken. Keeping active is one of the few things that keeps me from going insane or sinking down into a deep depression. As I told Joyce the other day, it's not that I "have all this energy"; it's that I've been living a manic life all these years trying to offset the grief and frustration. Thankfully, being active is a self-fulfilling balm for depression. The more you accomplish, the better you'll feel.)
mikie and Mike
Of course, anything could change on the home front with these problems that I'm having and the odds are pretty good that something will happen. Over the years, I have told just a very few friends that I would always be there to help out. One of the things that I, and then Jim and I, had offered to our good friend Mike P was a place to live, if he needed it. I thought Mike be our original third roommate (instead of Sean); but Mike had gotten a new restaurant job and new apartment at the same time when I was moving into my new house. He's always been a hard worker who has paid his way through life. Recently, he's been having problems with his boss - who just happens to be his landlord too.
 
I've already been chatting with Mike about my latest problems with John and Joyce, so he knows my situation isn't the best. Mike's plan has been to hang onto this job (by not saying anything, not causing any disturbances, and just letting things "ride" for a while at his work) until the end of Summer; then Mike wants to move from Massillon and come live with us. How that addition to my home will change my life, I haven't even begun to consider.
 
Though I do plan to graciously fulfill my (and Jim's) promise and offer Mike a place to live, this decision does have one huge downside. I'm going to have to give up a room. Once again, I'll have to move my computer into my bedroom and put all my stuff back into one single room. Sigh! The things we do for our friends. At least when I do this for this friend, I do know that he's a good enough, smart enough, and gracious enough guy that living with him won't be a bad thing. Actually it would probably be kind of nice living with a REAL roommate for change.
mikie vs mikie
If you can bear with me just a little bit longer (thank you and bless you dear friends), I have an issue about myself, one "internal" issue, that I need to get off my chest while I'm venting. I don't really think anyone will have the explanation or answer I would need; but it is another thing that's been banging around in my head lately with everything else. So here goes . . .

On top of all the problems that I've been dealing with this past year, really, I have to ask:
Why the h-e-double-hockey-sticks am I getting healthier?!?!?
 
 Don't get me wrong. I really am very happy with that situation. I mean, no one likes feeling sickly and weak or throwing up. I used to despise the life I had back when I was "half sick" all the time. I much more enjoy being able to really "live" this life I have. Though I still throw up semi-frequently, the amount has decreased tremendously this year; and it's a small price to pay for the health I've regained since 1999. I love this life where I'm able to ride my bike, rather than barely able to drag myself around in the house wondering if I could hold out when the waves of nausea swept over me.
 
But it's tough being this well without Randy, without Jim, without my own home, without a car, and without a job.
 
There's a part of me that just has to wonder why I'm still living when the living has been filled with such sorrowful events. Even through I've endured the lost of two partners and easily a dozen pets (counting dogs and cats), I have more sorrowful events ahead, within just the next few years, as my final three cocker spaniels boyz age and pass away. Oh, I do definitely remember ALL of the wonderful times I had with my men and my kidz who are gone and just the remembering brings me such joy; but losing all of them has been a hard price to pay for the joy and love they gave me. It just doesn't seem "right" somehow that they are all gone, and yet I'm still here. Not to mention the fact that after 17+ years of being HIV+, I just celebrated the first full year of a stable, fairly-well health status.
 
It's quite possible, even after this long, that with the viral load suppressed so low for so long (this whole year, you know WooHoo!) that the HIV has gone dormant in "reservoirs" in my lymph nodes, etc. As long as it doesn't "wake up" (slacking off on my meds allowing resistance to build up, getting really sick, etc), I could continue to get even "weller" (probably not a lot more; but at some could be possible) as time goes by.

Though I welcome feeling better, it's not something that I planned to have happen in my 17th year of living with AIDS. At this point in my life, with all the bad things (fires, deaths, burglaries, etc) that happened without any warming, I can only imagine how much of a problem "being well" is going to be in my future. Yes, I really believe that if I get "too well", that something horrible could happen to me. No. Really.  It's just my kind of luck. (I'm really not pessimistic. I'm just worrying about possible realities so I'll be prepared.)
 
Maybe they'll take my meds!! Just like those other disasters (fires and such, like having my SS income amount reduced) really happened, don't scoff at the idea of this happening. It might already be happening in CA if they don't get their budget fixed, as the ADAP program there could be shut down. It's through a payment by Ohio ADAP that I get a medical card to get my meds. It's scary knowing it's only the meds that keep me from dying and I have to rely on a "troubled" government to supply those meds.
 
That's all why I'm afraid of getting "too healthy", or working again or even moving back to North Carolina.
It's scary not knowing what the future might hold and what path to take.
mikie-then vs mikie-now
Ah, now we are nearly getting to the end of my long ranting, and the part my Mom has been waiting for - the part about going back to North Carolina. (Hang on just a bit more, Mom) No, I haven't actually made any decision to make that move; but as I mentioned earlier, I've never truly considered the idea as much as I am doing right now. Frankly, it's no wonder this incident with Joyce and John has led me to thinking about my future. When else (except maybe my birthday -and surviving two pneumonias - date) would I consider such matters than in the middle of May juxtapositioned by the deaths of my two partners. It's been a year since Jim's passing, and I'm not in any "fog" like I was last Summer. A year ago, I was grieving and putting off any life-altering decisions until the end of Summer. Perhaps looking back now, I can more rationally think about life-altering decisions than jumping into quick-fixes like the decisions that put me where I am today.
 
When Randy passed away 15 years ago, I hadn't ended up in the quandary I'm in today. Because I knew Randy's death was impending for a while, I had time to get "used" to the idea that Randy would be leaving me (if such a thing as "getting used to" was even possible). Not only was that helpful to me emotionally (becoming accustomed to know that I would be "single" soon); but it gave me plenty of time to start "preparing" for my life and well-being after Randy would be gone. When Randy passed away, I had control of my own house, a roommate to help with expenses, and I still had a houseful of dogs.
 
During those years, I was reluctant to move back home for several reasons. First, I was still a young man, and even though I was beginning to suffer the effects of AIDS, I hadn't "accepted" my own mortality. At that point in time, I hadn't yet "emotionally" given up on my dreams of love, life, and our pet store. So the thought of leaving Ohio at that time seemed like I was just giving up - on my dreams and my life.
 
In the ensuing years, as I got much sicker, I resisted coming home because, quite frankly, I wasn't about to come home to be "nursed" by my mom until I died. Part of me wasn't really certain about how good of a nurse my mom would be (and remember, I DID already have a real RN around for a few years - my roomie Jodi); but the biggest part of me just didn't want to put anyone, much less my mom, through the trials of being a caregiver for the terminally ill. Having just done that with Randy, I truly believed that dying away from my mom and family was the more humane way to deal with my death.
 
As I said (probably ad nauseam ), things have been much different after losing Jim. I had already almost been homeless because of my poverty; but living with Jim thankfully postponed that until nearly the time my SS check returned to it's original amount. However, poverty forced me to abandon Jim's house and led me to looking for somewhere else to live and a roommate to share expenses.
mikie stays in OH vs mikie returns to NC
And that brings me, and you, full circle back around to my current problems with housemates and friends. (Finally. I bet you thought we'd never get to the end of this tale.) It seems that unless I specifically ask some of my "friends" for help that none of these friends have the initiative, drive, or even return-friendship to proactively see how I am doing or to offer help. Shouldn't real friends be returning my kindness with their kindness? Shouldn't friends be contributing something more than just conversation and in return expecting more than just my service?
 
So now that I'm in a month book-ended by the deaths of my partners, and a year out from losing the last one, I just know that "this" life is not one I like at all and it HAS to change. And that falls into what I'm always saying, that when things are not as you would like them, the only way to change things is with some hard work and time. As I said at the first of this whole section, I really thought that by now I had done enough and had waited long enough for things to improve; but my disappointment with my current situation shows that I haven't invested either enough time or work yet to reach a good resolution to my problems of housing, friends, and living life as a two-time widower.
 
The thoughts of one possible solution, of returning home to my family, have begun to swirl around in my head with more clarity and weight than they've ever had in the 23 years that I've lived in Ohio. However, if returning to NC is my next option, I have to put my nose to the wheel and begin to direct my efforts and patience to that line of resolution. I've always dreaded putting my finances and medical assistance to the test to see how well they hold hold from leaving the state of Ohio and going to either the state of NC or SC; but perhaps it's finally time to see how much a move to another state might actually change or not change my benefits.
 
Plus, I also need to take this time to see what help the members of my family could provide. Thankfully, with my Social Security check back to it's full amount, I do have a stable income of about $700 per month. And with my health doing so well, I'm actually healthy enough to handle the physicality of such a drastic change in my life. Next, I'll need to be calculating the costs of the move and saving up for that and checking with relatives about helping me find a new home, doctor, etc. and whatever other help they could provide me and boyz if we move back to the Carolinas.
 
The first time when I moved between NC and OH, I wasn't even 30, full of pep and vitality, embarking on a grand adventure with the love of my life and my first cocker spaniel. That's a vast difference from moving from OH to NC, now when I'm nearly 50 and have been living with AIDS for over 15 yrs.; wounded from the loss of, not one, but two loves; and left with three old and aging spaniels. It would definitely be a HUGE change in my life and will take some time and hard work, if such a move is to, or does, happen.
 
Unless the house burns down or gets blown apart by a tornado (either "could" happen), it'll take a while to make a decision about staying in OH or moving back home to NC. I'll be sure to keep everyone updated as I make some decisions and see what options are available.
Week Five:
As May closes, I have no idea what the Summer holds and I find myself, just like those days in the hospital just over a year ago, wishing for a crystal ball so I could divine the proper solutions to my problems. I'm sorry that I had to lay so much out there; but complex situations take complex explanations. Hopefully, the answers and resolutions won't be too complex though. Some nice easy answers would be just fine.
   
At this point around my household, we've all reached an uneasy truce. I daresay though that if either John or Joyce reads this blog that they'll be pretty surprised at the depths of my feelings about all this. My response is as I stated before, if they had been better "friends", rather than so self-consumed, they would have known of these issues a long time ago. All of my other friends know - cause they read it here.
   
Regardless, as I've had to say before to my readers, I'm sorry to have not had fun stories and great pictures about some grand adventure to tell you this month. It's just been a bad year. Hopefully, somewhere yet in my future, I'll get better tales to blog about again. I have hope things will get better, so you just gotta hold onto hope too!
Unfortunately, I still have to end the month May the same way I ushered it in - with a memorial to one of my partners.
Randal Charles Rapp
July 9, 1963 - May 25, 1994

If you haven't gotten a chance, please read through my memorial page to Randy to learn more about him and his life.
Though it was, of course, especially hard this year remembering Jim this first year after his passing, I was very surprised at how much Randy's death haunted and troubled me this year also. Unfortunately, too many bad things have continued to happen throughout this past year and by the time the 15th anniversary of Randy's death rolled around (it was also one year ago that I held Jim's memorial at Randy's grave), I had alienated some of my "friends" and I felt like, once again, that I'm in the quandary of trying to decide what to do with my life. Rethinking how I lost Randy and how things were then has just pushed me further and further into a funk that is going to take some time and some hard work to get out of.
 
I miss my Randy so very badly. Like an armory full of double-edged swords, all my memories of him delight me as I think of the joy, love and happiness we shared, while at the same time, slicing to the very quick of my soul exposing his absence by my side even to this day.
   
I miss my Jim so very badly. How can I not relish all those years, all those adventures, all those projects, all that fun, love and happiness. Jim was my life-saver when all signs of hope and health in my life were drowning in my tears of grief over losing Randy.  But, just like with Randy, all those cherished memories also bring along the ungainly baggage of sadness and grief as I still try to adjust to Jim's death just one short year ago.
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leatherman
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