| leatherman's log |
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December 2008 |
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| Week One: |
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My last update (which was a big one!) for
November was Week Two - Four
There's news about the problem housemate, that dreaded white stuff
that falls from the clouds
 ,
a Hospice Memorial Service I attended, and a ton of yummy food for
Thanksgiving. (and I've still got leftovers in the my frig. Mmmm) |
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I also have some very GOOD NEWS! 
to tell you,
and you won't ever have to skip back a month to get this news
because it's so good! |
| I'll be going HOME (to
North Carolina) for Christmas this year! |
| |
During some research into the price of
a plane ticket (which was already down $25 since I checked a month ago), I
found I could pay for the fare through my PayPal account.
So I transferred some money from my bank and bought a ticket.
WooHoo!
I'll be heading down to Charlotte on Dec. 18th (Thurs) and returning
on Dec 22nd (the following Monday). It'll be a bittersweet trip back
home this year. On the bitter side ,
the date I'll be flying down would have been mine and Jim's
"official" fourth anniversary. My last visit home at Christmas was
with Jim and when I finally committed to him. On the sweet side,
it'll be good to see my Nana (who's 91), my mom and my brothers and
their families, and touch base with my family roots after going
through so many hardships this year. |
| Maybe "Scrooge-y", but not
Scrooge! |
| |
Just like I can't
understand the Yankees up here who bitch about the snow and cold
(don't they know they could move?
 Try
NC!
I lived there for 23 yrs. and it's much nicer there in the Winter
than it is here in OH ),
I don't understand the people who complain about Christmas. Either
it's bad because of the religious aspect, or the shopping, or
"having" to buy gifts, or all the "things to do" making you too
busy. I threw off the shackles of my religion a long time ago and
I've been too poor too long to even remember being materialistic
about Christmas. Anyone that has ever had to fight off depression,
knows that keeping busy is one of the best ways to take your mind
off of your problems.
I believe that Christmas is what you make of it - and what you
should make it be about is:
friends and family, love and friendship, sharing and caring.
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However it's going to be
tough for me to have much true Christmas Spirit this year as I've
lost nearly all of the things that make up the meaning of the
season.
I lost a friend and a family member by losing Jim. I lost love and
friendship too. I even lost the sharing and caring. So in my book,
few people have a right to fuss about this holiday season because so
few have lost as much. Jim's passing only underscores what I learned
from losing Randy - love the ones you're with and enjoy the life you
have.
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Like 14 yrs ago, I find
that my losses are just too great this year to be able to celebrate
much of any of these holidays. At Thanksgiving, how could I have
been thankful for this past year with what has happened? None of
that was worth any thanks. Now that Christmas is approaching, why
should I decorate a tree when there'll be no presents "to Jim" or
"from Jim" underneath? After so many tears
 sorting
through our belongings before I moved just a few months ago, why
would I want to go through the ornaments we only recently combined
to adorn the last two Christmas trees that Jim and I shared at his
house? I know, from personal experience, that with the passage of
some more time, it won't hurt so much to see these little holiday
reminders of the way life was; but, no, there'll be no tree or
decorations at my house this year. |
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| On the other hand, I also
don't think I have the right to bring down everyone's Christmas
Spirit.
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Thankfully I didn't lose
everything, and in my heart I am thankful and happy about some
things. I still have plenty of friends
and will be seeing my family soon.
I still have the love and friendship of so many; those who have
shared in my/our loss, and those who have cared for and
supported me through such a terrible year.
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| Lest you think I'm a
"Scrooge" (and how could you after what I just wrote?!?! LOL), I
haven't totally forsaken Christmas. I talked to my housemate, John,
about my thoughts on Christmas this year, and told him that I
wouldn't mind if he wanted to put up the tree; but that I wasn't
going to do it. Not only that, but I did go and help one of my moms
start putting her Christmas together. Joyce's husband, Cliff, was
being the real Scrooge and vehemently refused to help DO put up the
tree. Ah! And that's just why she has an "adopted" son living just
down the street a few blocks.
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Though an artificial tree
doesn't drop needles, it's "needles" can still stick you.
I also found that these fold-up kinds can just suddenly open up and
drop down on your head too.
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Connecting all the pieces
and getting the lights to work
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| Joyce has a lot of balls
Christmas balls that is.
These are most of the Christmas tree decoration (balls) boxes, so
Joyce has well over 20 dozen ornaments to fill up the tree branches. |
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A cloud December day, with
the clouds spitting flurries; cups of hot cocoa; and good friends
spending time together.
Ah! I feel some Christmas spirit! |
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Week Two: |
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| Maintenance and Milestones! |
| As we come up to the end of the year,
I've been trying to take care of some of the business/maintenance of
my website. That means getting the Holiday Pages all set up (see the
Happy Holidays! update below), setting up the html and starting to
make summaries of each month last year, and creating a special
section for my upcoming trip. Along the way, I've also corrected
some errors in the site menu (clicking on any "Holidays" link after
2005 always highlighted that link and 2005! It's fixed now.
),
corrected some broken links, and updated the copyright dates. |
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But that's not all! I did
some serious revamping of this site's menu.
MouseOver the image to the right
and you'll see the differences between the old and new menus
Click on the image to get a listing of each of the icons |
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Some day when you have some time to
spare make sure to surf through some of the other sections. Check out
the TimeLapse Webcam pictures, or take a look at the Birthday
Calendar (let me know if I need to you add you! You'll need to make
sure I have a pix of you, and you'll have to pony up the year you
were born - or at least the year you wish you had been born.
LOL). I'm still working on some yearly summaries in the BIO section
since I haven't done one since Oct 2005. Of course the MISC section,
needs an updated 3D version of my current house; but there's some
other fun stuff there for you to see.
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| Of course, one of the biggest reasons
I had to update my site and rearrange some menu buttons was to be
able incorporate a page dedicated to Jim, like the one I have
already done for Randy. Please take a moment to remember my two guys
with me, when you click on their icon to visit their page. |
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| Randy Rapp |
Jim Pollnow |
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| Wow! With all this updating and site
maintenance, I've noticed that I've passed through several
milestones this year. A few days before Thanksgiving marked when I
first moved to Ohio. I have now spent the first 23 yrs. of my life
living in North Carolina; and the last 23 yrs. of my life living in
Ohio.
Just recently, Monday Dec 8th, my two little boyz, Aries
and Zeus, had their own milestone when they turned eight years old.
Looking back as I updated, I also noticed that reigningpages.com has
been online for over a decade now (obviously, I missed this date
because I was occupied with other more pressing issues back in May)
having gone online back on May 27, 1997. |
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So, a big Happy
Birthday
to Aries, Zeus and reigningpages.com,
while I have a mid-life crisis
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| (there are also another "Maintenance"
and "Milestone" stories later this month
too) |
| Happy
Holidays! |
Though I'm all excited
about my upcoming trip to NC, I still had some chores left to do in
town. With Christmas quickly approaching, it's time for Joyce to
start making the cookies, candies, and fudge to fill up her patented
"Goodie Box" presents for Christmas Eve. It usually takes about two
weeks, as much assistance as she can get, and an empty freezer for
Joyce to make, bake and store the goodies till then.
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| Since I'll miss several
days (across a weekend) that I would have been able to help out with
the baking, Joyce got an early start this year so I could get in all
my hours on the job. Since they'll store the longest , are some
of the most time-consuming to decorate, and the type of which Joyce
makes the most, we started off doing a batch of cut-out cookies. |
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| Rolling out the dough,
cutting the cookies, and placing on the pans |
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| Icing the
cookies! mmmmm |
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It's nearly time for
Christmas, so my Holiday section is online!
(but there aren't many pix yet. I'll be posting more after my trip
to the Carolinas) |
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| Click on the doggies to
view the Holiday Pages |
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| Next on the cookie baking
list were the Orange Drop cookies. |
MouseOver CloseUp |
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From my taste-test (all food should be
taste-tested, especially cookies
 ),
these are some of the yummiest Orange cookies that Joyce has ever
baked, I think. |
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| Being the holidays, that
means that I've been doing some baking myself. No muffins this time
though.
Three batches of starter dough went bad during my house move, so I
haven't baked muffins since the batch I did for Jim's OpenHouse. No
baklava either, since that was Jim's signature treat to bake.
And definitely NO gingerbread!
Though I enjoyed making the
gingerbread houses back in 2004, I swore off ever baking
gingerbread again after that year.
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| So baking holiday treats
on my own this year, I decided to do some Chinese Almond Cookies.
The last time I did this kind of cookies, we built a "house
of cards" for Joyce's return home after her knee replacement
surgery. |
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This time I tried a few different
things. I made a log out of the dough to make some even-sized
cookies. I also refrigerated the dough for a while, which really
helped keep the "crumbly" dough together. Of course, the icing is
more appropriate for Christmas too. |
| MMMM, the finished product |
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Even though most of the cookies came
out okay, there were a few that very "too done" (that means burnt),
and some that were too thin. The doggies loved these
cookie-mistakes; but Aries really wanted one that had icing on it
too.
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Here's ar look at my bedroom after being settled in for a
couple of months. I still need to do something about some shelves
for over my computer (on the right side of the room); but besides
that, I'm very happy with my new bedroom. |
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| MouseOver and you'll see that someone else is happy with the bedroom too! |
| Merry Christmas to all
my friends! |
| I think I'm about all packed and I'm
tired of helping Joyce with Christmas cookies, so I am very excited
to be heading out today (Dec 18th) to visit my family in North Carolina. My
plane leaves here at 12:30pm and I should be in Charlotte around
1:45pm (this trip is taking a little longer as it's a smaller
plane). Until I get back with pictures (next Monday, Dec 22nd, evening around 5:30pm), I wanted to leave you all
with one of the cards that I'm using this season. I wish you all a
very Merry Christmas,
and safe travels as you go to visit your relatives. |
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| Click the card!! |
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Week Three: |
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| "Christmas
in the Carolinas" Is Online Now! |
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| Click the image! |
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Week Four: |
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I guess I should have
mentioned something else up in that "Maintenance and Milestones"
section. The weekend before my trip, our furnace decided to
have a problem. I woke up one morning feeling incredibly chilly.
Checking the thermostat, I found the temp was only 55 and the
furnace was blowing chilly air. Unfortunately, we had to deal with
the situation all weekend; but fortunately we had figured out how to
get the heat on for a while, and we were having an unusually warm
weekend in December. WooHoo! By Monday night the furnace was fixed
and we were all snug as bugs in rugs.
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However, as soon as I got
home, I found out the furnace repair man had left the house no
earlier than 45 minutes before I arrived.
My roomie, John, had woken up Monday morning to a cold house once
again. Hopefully
the furnace is okay now (it's just been a couple of switches that
had finally burned out), and we'll stay warm the rest of Winter.
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| Getting back into town
after my busy extended weekend down South, I had a ton of running
around to do to take care of things - bills to pay, a few gifts to
buy, supplies for my food contributions for the Christmas Eve party
and Christmas night dinner. |
I couldn't help myself (and I've only
done this twice now); but while I was over on the other end of town
running errands, I drove past Jim's house. I think the house looks
as sad as I have felt.
The drive hasn't been shoveled, dead cosmos still line the drive, more
shingles are sliding off the roof, and the tree that blew down is
still lying beside the house. It still just breaks my heart that I
couldn't have kept Jim's house and taken care of it for him. |
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| Not Quite A
Mystery Trip |
| Many of you know that Jim
and I used to try to take my local moms (Joyce and Carolynn) on
"Mystery Trips" (an outing that we would keep secret from them until
we got to our destination). Just before Christmas Eve, Joyce and I
took a "semi-mystery" trip through the parks. See, I didn't keep it
secret from Joyce that we would go through the park someday
taking pictures of the snow (we've caught all the other seasons);
but it was a mystery to both of us as to what day it might
snow enough for some good pictures.
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After taking our friend Mike Poland
back home to the neighboring city of Massillon, Joyce and I took a
drive through one of our favorite places - the Canton City Parks. |
Holidays lights scattered throughout
the park,
which winds along side of I-77. |
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| Many of the display
mimicked motion by sets of lights coming on in a timed fashion.
Elves throw snowballs, skiers jump off slopes, a carousel spins
around while a friendly sea serpent wags his tail on the far side of
the lake (which was beginning to freeze up quite a bit now) |
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The last of the baking is done,
and Christmas is nearly here. |
| Sharing good times with friends |
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Yummy Cookies! |
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Thank You All! |
Recently returned for visiting with my
Mom in NC, just before heading out tonight to celebrate Christmas
Eve with my OhioMom, and anxious to visit my Mom-in-Law on Christmas
morning, I'd like to tell everyone Thank You
for the love, comfort and support that you all so generously gave to
me over this past terrible year. You are my dear family and friends
who gave me words of encouragement on some of the hardest days;
advice from your own experiences, your shoulders to cry on, legal
advice and options to try, and the generous donations to pay for
Jim's cremation.
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| Click on the doggies to
view the Holiday Pages |
| I'm a
Traveling Man |
| Boy, am I one tired puppy.
It feels like I haven't been doing too much this past week except
traveling. Not only was there the plane trips down and back to the
Carolinas; but I spent a bunch of time there traveling back and
forth across the city to visit my mom, two brothers, and my
grandmother. Back home, I went to the store to get a few last minute
items and walking around the Wal-Mart sure seemed like more
"traveling".
Christmas Day I ventured over to Carolynn's house, and ended the day
taking our friend Mike P back home to Massillon. Whew! For a guy
with no car, I sure do get around.
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| By the time I was headed
over to see Randy's mom (Carolynn) on Christmas morning, this
"traveling man" was getting pretty tired of traveling, and my meds
were making me feel a little "loopy" that morning. As I neared
Carolynn's house, I realized I was about to pass the place where Jim
and I stopped so many times - to visit with Herman, our "Christmas
Camel". |
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| MouseOver Camel CloseUp |
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| Who would have thought
that something as odd as a camel would be what finally pushed me
over the edge?
While visiting back home in the Carolinas, I did cry several times;
but since no one smokes anymore in my family, and I was going
outside alone to smoke several times, no one caught me the times the
tears came. Though I didn't cry on Christmas Eve mingling at
my OhioFamily's get-together, I felt odd all evening, like I was
waiting for Jim to arrive late after working, so I stayed to myself
much of the time. However, on Christmas morning, before I even
reached the camel's pasture, the tears began to fall, turning into a
sudden unexpected deluge.
After a few minutes, my crying jag nearly became a full-fledged
panic attack, and I ended up having to pull the van over for about
10 minutes till I could get my run-away emotions under control. |
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| All-in-all, I guess I made
it through this first Christmas without Jim as well as could be
expected. Maybe it is just my imagination, but Christmas seemed
awfully odd this year. Rather than exchange gifts, my family make
charitable contributions in each other's names, plus with the
unusually warm weather, Christmas in the Carolinas was nice but not
very "Christmas-y". Then the crowd at Joyce's on Christmas Eve was
much smaller than usual, and Joyce and Cliff had done very little
decorating, cleaning or preparing food, so their party wasn't
"Christmas-y" either. |
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Christmas night when all
my travels were finally though, I was very tired and worn-out and
looking forward to taking a long hot shower, drinking a couple of
beers (I would be an easy, cheap date nowadays. It only takes two
Coronas (with lime slices) and I'm drunk
),
going to bed, and sleeping until the next afternoon. Instead of
being able to finally relax though, the roomie and I had a
late-night visitor - our EX-roommate
and
some woman he had recently met. I'll
tell you the last thing I wanted on my first Christmas without Jim
was to have some stranger in my house - especially uninvited and,
not to mention, so late at night. Although I told Sean several times
that I was too tired to talk about my trip or Christmas and was
about to go to bed, he and this woman didn't leave until just after
11pm.
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It's pretty obvious now
that sometime next year, John and I might have to find another
person to have the third bedroom and share the house with us. In
just the few weeks since I had to kick Sean out, he's been over to
"visit" us nearly every day - instead of going out to look for a
job, or doing any warehouse work for the shelter agency that took
him in. Instead of doing what he needs to do to provide for himself
and move back to our house (Get and Keep a Job!), it seems Sean is
looking for an apartment and claims to be "getting ready" to go back
to school. I have no idea how he plans to accomplish any of
these high-minded goals, so I doubt that Sean will ever "get his act
together" and be able to move back here with John and I. Though it
has troubled and saddened me that Sean didn't use my help to improve
his situation, I have made an early New Year's Resolution to move on
from this situation. Sean was a good friend and help to me while I
was caring for Jim at home, and I returned the favor by providing
for him and helping him for nearly seven months. However, by his own
choices, he abused my friendship and took advantage of me until I
had no choice but to rid myself of this leech.
I wish Sean well; but like Pontius Pilate, I have washed my hands of
him.
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| Another Milestone |
Perhaps because the last few months of
my life has been spent in introspection and retrospection (that'll
happen when you lose two long-term partners to AIDS and yet survive
yourself, in spite of your own hospitalizations and med adherence
problems), I am today recognizing an "anniversary" (another "milestone")
that usually goes by unnoticed by me.
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Sixteen years ago, on the day after
Christmas (12/26/92) and just a few months before I would turn 30, a
nice middle-aged lady nurse from the Canton City Health Clinic told
me that I was HIV positive.
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Over a third of my life now has been
drastically changed, over and over, by those 3 letters and
plus-sign. All the gay friends I had in the early 90s have all died;
two partners have been taken from me; and I've nearly died in a
hospital twice. That little acronym has pushed me into such poverty
that I've lost two homes (14th St and Jim's house on 48th) and two
cars (my old Taurus and Jim's Hyundai).
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Though many may say that I should find
this milestone an occasion for celebration, my heart is too still
just too broken to feel anything but sadness. Nor do I feel like
celebrating the upcoming new year. Sure I'm glad the year is
changing and I can't wait to put 2008 into my past; but events of
this last terrible year robbed me of all the joy I've had of
surviving these last 16 years (though many of those years weren't so
"joyous" themselves). The only reason I survived past Randy's death
and through those following six years of being desperately ill was
because of the love and friendship of my best friend Jim. His
encouragement, support, and love turned my life, and health, around
making the last eight years simply incredible.
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Now I stand on the cusp of a new year,
moving into my 17th year of having AIDS, approaching my 47th bday,
alone again trying to become a "whole" single person (rather than
the other "half" of a loving couple) for a second time in my life.
Only this time, I have no best friend or partner to rely on. I can
only count on myself and my experiences to keep on going.
Thankfully, my experiences have taught me that life IS worth living;
and if I'm alive (heaven knows, I've learned that life is fragile
and can be cut too short), I better try to enjoy the life that I do
have. Though I may sound pretty depressed and pessimistic at times;
I do have hope, so all is not lost. My experience of losing Randy
has taught me that I will survive losing Jim (e.g. if I did this
once before, I will be able to do it again). Though I don't have the
impetus that I used to have to stay compliant to my meds (to stay
alive so as to not put Jim through the grief of losing me), I do
have the habits I learned while I was with Jim to take my meds every
day. Using 2008 as a yardstick, I have nothing but optimism about
2009, as it HAS to be better than this last year. (you see, I have
no more boyfriends to lose, so I know it will be a better year no
matter what happens to me)
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| So as I head into my seventeenth year
of battling AIDS and trying to stay alive another year, I say
"goodbye" once again to the life I thought I'd lead, and "good
riddance" to 2008, the worst year of my life. Though battered and
bruised emotionally, my meds have made me healthier than I've been
in many a year, so I can't help but say "hello" to 2009 and whatever
joy and troubles it'll bring into my life. |
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|
Week Five: |
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2008 in Review
Goodbye and Good Riddance!
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| Below is a quick summary of the events
of this past year. |
| JAN |
| Though the year started with a warm
spell, the snow quickly came. I spent much of the
month sick from my meds, puttering around the house,
and working on puzzles. |
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| FEB |
| My friend Tara and I took a car
trip South to visit my family and her boyfriend in
the Carolinas. After a nice trip, we returned in a
blizzard! Back home, I began to worry as Jim became
sick. |
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| MAR |
| Jim was in the hospital by the
start of the month and a week later the town came to
a standstill for a weekend after a blizzard. Jim was
diagnosed with AIDS and non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. |
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| APR |
| After a horrifying month-long
rollercoaster ride of emotions worrying about Jim's
condition (the cancer, HIV, heart and lung issues,
med side effects, hospital psychosis, and 2 chemo
treatments), I brought Jim from the hospital back to
his boyhood home for the final week of his life |
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| MAY |
| Jim passed away on May 1st at
5:55am. I held a Memorial for him at Randy's grave
along with an OpenHouse back home on May 25th (the
14-yr anniversary of Randy's passing) |
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| JUN |
| Part of June was spent trying to
fix the broken pool pump and getting the water
cleared up after Winter; and I spent the rest of the
month enjoying the pool; but very sad about losing
Jim. |
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| JUL |
| Though I had a few pool parties
this month, I canceled Pooltag3 as it didn't seem
right to hold the party we normally did for Jim's
bday. I spent many days looking for a new home to
move to with the doggies. |
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| AUG |
| My pool buddies, Joyce and Joxie
the PoolDog, shared the last pool days with me
before I ran out of chemicals and closed the pool. I
arranged with an antique store to sell off some of
Jim's belongings, and I finally found a new home to
move to! |
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| SEPT |
| The boyz and I, along with John and
Sean, moved into our new house. The move didn't go
smoothly, and I had to do most of the work myself,
with only the help of a few good friends. |
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| OCT |
| After a sewer problem was fixed at
the new house, I built a back porch and steps so the
dogs could go out the back door, and painted my
bedroom, although the shelves I tried to build
didn't work out. For Halloween, I went to a concert
with Ritchie; and then made plans for a NC trip at
Christmas. |
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| NOV |
| Along with a continued
roommate problem, I had to replace my digital camera
after it developed a problem. I attended a Hospice
memorial and we had our first snow of the season.
The roommate problem was fixed when I kicked him out
after Thanksgiving. |
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| DEC |
| Snow and furnace problems came with
the first of this month; but a trip home to NC/SC
and the holiday made this probably the most
enjoyable month of this past year, though it was my
first Christmas without Jim. |
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